Satire, Politics, New England, Bullshit
Life's a Slippery Business
Chart of the Week
(Click to enlarge)
Correct Me If I'm Wrong, But...
Not sure what this implies with regard to Facebook’s future profitability and, therefore, its IPO value ─ I, personally, do not understand how the company, despite its vast audience, can become another Google-like gold mine. On the other hand (or foot or kidney) I felt the same about Amazon.com when it first went public.
A negative vote from Norm Mack may be a signal to investors everywhere to buy, buy, buy.
***Yet another stunning page-one pronouncement from the New York Times, this one courtesy of food activist Mark
Bittman.
Under the banner "School Breakfast, the New Food Fight" the following subhead
pins the proverbial tail on the well-known donkey’s ass::
We should work
to prevent hunger
and obesity
Wow!
Them’s
fightin’ words, Mark!
That’ll put the lie to all those meat-eating, right-wing neo-Nazi homophobes who
want to starve our children to death by making them as fat as Walmart mothers-in-law.
Thank God for the fearless New York Times and their brave columnists!
Ever since the Super Bowl I've had this unaccountable urge to rush out and buy a Fiat 500 Abarth.
FYI: The incredibly gorgeous girl in the video is 26-year-old Romanian model Catrinel
Menghia.
Here's a translation of what she's saying (courtesy Autoevolution.com):
What are you looking at, Huh!?
What are you looking at?! (slap)
Are you undressing me with your eyes?
Poor guy…you can’t help it.
Is your heart beating? Is your head
spinning?
Do you feel lost thinking that I could be
yours forever?
I believe the paper was justified. That’s what a free press is supposedly about.
As the editors put it ─ after acknowledging the likelihood that the photos would inflame anti-American feeling ─ "At the end of the day, our job is to publish information that our readers need to make informed decisions."
In 2005, the Los Angeles Times refused to publish some rather innocuous Danish cartoons depicting Mohammed that had inspired a typical murderous Islamic spree. The Times justified the censorship by saying the drawings might incite Moslem rioting.
Is there a more perfect example of the hypocrisy and cowardice that characterizes American media?
The Los Angeles Times did not publish the Mohammed cartoons because the editors were terrified they would become targets of Moslem retaliation. .
They did publish the Taliban photos because they knew the U. S. military wouldn’t retaliate.
How proud the Times reporters and editors must be as they look forward to another Pulitzer in recognition of their intrepid reportage.
Journalism is a profession of whores.
***I don’t know about you, but I’m bloody well sick of all the liberal crap being vomited from Washington
about Wall Street this and Wall Street that and Wall Street sucks and Wall Street is stealing money from all us good, hard-working, unemployed Americans.
For Chrissake already, Wall Street is a fucking street, and a narrow one at
that with traffic restricted to emergency vehicles and residents of the White House. It is not a Scroogy old man with pince-nez gloating over his hoard of gold and plotting how to rob the 99%
of their hard-earned unemployment checks. That would be Warren Buffet or Barbra Streisand.
Evil ca;pitalist swine (left), attractive capitalist swine
(right0. Neither is Wall Street. Note pince-nez, however.
Face it ─ Wall Street is paved in asphalt, has concrete sidewalks, its gutters contain a traditional New York City display of trash, and I can assure you from personal
experience, that there is not a mean bone in its body.
But none of that is going to stop Nancy Pelosi,
Harry Reid, or Jeanne Shaheen, (when she’s sober) from railing against the helpless little lane.
Dome of
Glass, therefore, am going to contact our congressman ─ as soon as we finds out who they is ─ and demand that he, she, and it introduce a bill in Congress to change the name from Wall Street to
Barack Obama Road or Barney Frank Alleyway or Ted Kennedy Bridle Path.
That outta put a stop to all the
nonsense!
Keith Olbermann (left) explaining to Dave, "I am a
chandelier, I tell you, a $10 million chandelier!"
(Click pic to enlarge.)
Olbermann’s session on the show ended prematurely after he began reciting a poem of his own composition ─ "Shall I compare me to a summer’s day?/I am more lovely and more brilliant..." Letterman gestured offstage and several burly nurses subdued the foaming Olbermann with tranquilizer darts, strapped him into a gurney, and carted him off to Bellevue.
With the departure of its star anchorman, Current TV lost no time in replacing him with former New York Governor and leading hooker-fancier Eliot (call me john) Spitzer.
***The dread word "niggardly" has again reared its head (or headed its rear) this time from out of the mouth of a card-carrying DEMOCRAT.
Speaking on MSNBC, Ohio senator Sherrod Brown, a WHITE man (i.e., a honky) chastised Congress for being NIGGARDLY in its treatment of veterans.
Some apologists claim the left-leaning senator was unaware the word has been redefined by the PC police from its ancient meaning of "stingy" to the modern "behaving like a nigger."
I don’t buy into that crap. The man is obviously a neo-Nazi swine deserving of the severest possible punishment under the hate-crime statutes of this great land. Removal from office followed by a sound thrashing at the hands of Al Sharpton, Valerie Jarrett, and Jesse Jackson and 24 hours of taped speeches by President Obama are the least he deserves.
But perhaps some good may come from this shocking incident. Niggardly is far from the only racially, ethnically, religiously, sexually insensitive word in the language.
If you are of German extraction, how could you not but be offended by being asked if you take sauerKRAUT with your hotdog, or by being called HUN by your girlfriend?
Suppose you’re Italian, how would you feel if you were given a Burger King WHOPper or invited to visit New GUINEA; or if Hispanic, by someone suggesting you use SPIC and Span to clean your linoleum?
Imagine the hurtfulness for a gay executive when his boss tells him not to QUEER the deal or for a Japanese gentleman when he overhears some roundeye saying that crime must be NIPped in the bud or a rock climber in Alaska crassly remarking that "there’s a little NIP in the air."
Try to put yourself in the shoes of an Asian-American housewife when a plumber informs her of a CHINK in the bathtub that needs repair...or an African-American lad whose teacher tells him that his work SHINES.
And what of our Hebraic countrypersons who are bombarded daily with words and phrases such as JEWelry, JUnior, JUry, and "DJOU see the boobs on that chick?"
So listen up good, all you Liberals out there: It’s time to call a SPADE a SPADE, to roll up the sleeves on your little cashmere wool sweaters, and to get to work. There are so many wrongs to right and so much print space and bandwidth in which to do it.
***William C. Rhoden, a sportswriter for the New York Times and one of the few black journalists employed
on the paper, is a man who pole vaults into bed each night for fear that some white bigot lurking beneath might grab him and rape him.
Here’s an observation from his latest column:
"When was the last time a young, untested professional African-American athlete received the type of adulation Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin have seen this year?"
Forget Tebow ─ he’s taken as much flak as he has praise for his outspoken Christianity. Tebow is window
dressing. Rhoden’s target is Lin.
William
Rhoden Jeremy Lin
What pisses Rhoden off is that a polite, young, talented, self-effacing Chinese-American kid from Harvard has dared intrude on the African-American preserve that is the NBA.
Motivated by a racially-tinged mixture of envy and bile, Rhoden hopes to spoil one of the few genuinely heart-warming stories to emerge this year, a story that has captivated Asians, Americans, and
sports fans everywhere.
Rhoden isn’t worth the time, effort, and energy it would take to lampoon
him.
He, the paper he works for, and the idiots who read his trash are self-satires. The man is a
race-hustler. He butters his bread with lies about anyone who isn’t black.
***After Super Bowl XLVI, when a few asshole fans began shouting insults at her about her husband Tom Brady, Brazilian supermodel,
actress, UN goodwill ambassador, diet guru, and new mommy Gisele Bündchen, shouted right back:
"You need to catch the ball when you're supposed to catch the ball. My husband cannot fucking throw the
ball and catch the ball at the same time."
Gisele ─ who else? (Click to
enlarge)
Right on girl!
I’m a Giant fan, but that’s what I call standing up for your man.
***I’ve commented previously on the IVR (Interactive Voice Response) fad, an
amazingly absurd technology that replaces a simple push on a phone button with a protracted and pointless conversation with a female automaton. This pervasive and nonsensical bullshit exists because
an army of marketing assholes concluded that "IVR be cuttin’ edge an’ ever’body am doin’ it so us has got to be doin’ it too...duh."
In a similarly asinine vein more and more news-oriented web sites (e.g., Drudge and USA Today) have rolled out Auto Refresh, a
Medieval torture device that causes the page you’re watching to vanish every minute or two, then, (after a delightful pause to allow your blood pressure to rise) gradually
reemerge.
Why?
Once again, following a few thousand meetings, the marketing assholes who run the corporate world merged
their tiny brains and came up with this marvelously inane idea, upon which the leading cretin among them was assigned to draft a form email to be sent to all Chief Executive Morons:
Uhhh, duhhhh...Boss Man or Boss Lady as Yous Cases Might Be.
Uuuuhhh...Us marketing assholes been tinkin’ hardly and us agrees dat sum kinda AutoFrescha ting am gonna make peoples tink dat yous web sight is right on top of all da latest news stuff becawse ever’ time th’ page shuts off dey’ll...duuuhhh...tink yous is postin’ sum kinda hot new news tip stuff when yous aint. Y’followin' me?
Of course, for you hundreds of millions of internet users who feel that Auto Refresh is infuriating crap, you
can always take action. For example, email your thoughts to drudge@drudgereport.com . In a month or two you’ll hear
back....nothing.
Is there an alternative? Sure. Just resolve never to watch fucking Drudge or any
other Auto Refresh site again..
***In a speech Monday, Attorney General Eric Holder said that voting rights for "minorities" are under assault. His chief complaint was that some states require voters to provide ID at the polls.
For the sake of clarity, Dome of Glass offers this translation of Mr. Holder’s remarks:
"Some states are preventing illegal immigrants, prison inmates, underage juveniles, dead people, and African-Americans with multiple identities from voting for Barack Obama."
***Lost in the pointless hoo-hah concerning the whereabouts of Ann Dunham at the time baby Barack vacated her womb, is a far more significant question: Why have Obama, his enablers, and his lawyers quashed disclosure of any objective information concerning his education, test scores, college theses, scholarly articles (or lack of same), scholarships, and academic performance?
When a man and his camp followers invest major amounts of time, money, and financial resources in preventing the disclosure of what is, for most of us, totally innocuous information, the inescapable conclusion is that the man has something to hide.
Among undisclosed documents and data:
● LSAT (Law School Admission Test) scores
● SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Test) Scores
● GRE (Graduate Record Examination) scores
● AFQT (Armed Forces Qualification Test) scores
● AGCT (Army General Classification Test) scores
● IQ test scores (routinely given to grade-schoolers)
● Achievement test scores (routinely given to grade-schoolers and high-school students)
● Records from kindergarten, grade school, high school, college, and law school
● Columbia University thesis
● Scholarships (if any)
● Scholarly articles (if any)
● Mentions in law reviews (if any)
As I suggested in a prior post, long before Donald Trump started shooting off his mouth, the answer to this obfuscation is obvious.
The man who was elected President in 2008 is a cardboard cutout, a puppet, an ignorant manipulandum who rose through the ranks of academia and politics via affirmative action, political pull, and the machinations of vultures like Rahm Emanuel, David Axelrod, Valerie Jarrett, Khalid al-Mansour, and Bill Ayers ─ people whose sole interest was to ride the Obama hobby-horse into power regardless of the consequences to the country.
To say that Obama is arrogant or elitist or demagogic or a socialist is nonsense ─ the man doesn’t have the intellect to be any of those things.
Barack H. Obama is a plain, out-and-out, natural-born ignoramus whose dim mind fancies that the American people are as stupid as he is.
So far he is being proven correct.
***The New York Times, in a despicable exhibition of arrogance, bias, and intellectual corruption, hired the whining, brain-dead, little left-wing wimp Michael Kinsley to review President George W. Bush’s best seller, Decision Points.
Be prepared for a shock. Kinsley didn’t like the book! What a fucking surprise!
What plans do Sulzberger, Keller, et al have for future assignments? Ann Coulter to review Darwin?...Paul Krugman to critique Glenn Beck?...Katie Couric to discourse on Sarah Palin?...Chrisopher Hitchens to analyse the Old Testament?
From Kinsley’s review:
Bush’s policy [on stem cell
research] continues to do damage by leaving the impression that stem cells are controversial and require some sort of compromise between science and morality.
From the European Consortium for Stem Cell Research:
Because a
single, well-identified type of cell is affected in Parkinson’s disease, stem cells offer great potential for treatment.
And this news item:
In December 2001 Michael Kinsley announced that
he has been suffering from Parkinson's disease for eight years.
Let me sum up Kinsley’s belief system: "When it comes to my own skin, my own life, and my own well-being, morality can go fuck off."
If this sorry excuse for a man had an atom of ethical fiber in his minute soul he would have recused himself as a reviewer for
being hopelessly biased. But minor considerations such as ethics, fairness, intellectual honesty, journalistic standards (an oxymoron?), and common decency have never interfered with a true Liberal’s
readiness to prostitute himself for a few dollars ─ nor with the New York Times readiness to cough up the 50 bucks per needed to purchase their scrawny butts.
***Question: Why is it that women with ponytails look cute and sexy, but men with ponytails look like total assholes?
The Correct Me Archve
While the civilized world (and Muslims as well) were dancing joyfully over the mutilated corpse of Muammar el-Qaddafi , the Times’ editorialists came swiftly to the aid of the nascent republic with profound and insightful advice. "Libyans must channel their passion into building a free and productive country" the headline screamed atop the NYT web site.
Ohhh....My...God! Why didn’t I think of that!
And here I was about to tweet the transitional Libyan government advising it to set up a repressive tyranny in their newly liberated tract of sand and clamp down on any signs of growth, prosperity, or happiness.
Thank God for the New York Times! The newspaper of record deserves every Pulitzer Prize and Order of Lenin it has ever received or ever will receive.
And there’s more good news! The Times has dispatched renowned columnist Paul Krugman and his sexy co-columnist Maureen Dowd to the desert non-kingdom to help the nation get on track for receiving massive American aid by ensuring that their camel-herding-based economy collapses.
***By coincidence, George Will's September 15, 2011 op-ed column, "All in the Federal Family," echoes my post of the same date, "In the Beginning Was the Word." Mr. Will, a well-known and respected syndicated columnist, writes:
In societies governed by persuasion, politics is mostly talk, so liberals’ impoverishment of their vocabulary matters. Having damaged liberalism’s reputation, they call themselves progressives. Having made the federal government’s pretensions absurd, they have resurrected the supposed synonym "federal family."
Having made federal spending suspect, they advocate "investments for job creation," a euphemism for stimulus, another word they have made toxic
In Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland Lewis Carroll describes Alice’s trial by a pack of cards led by the tyrannical King and Queen of
Hearts.
"Hold your tongue!" said the Queen, turning purple.
"I won't!" said Alice.
"Off with her head!" the Queen shouted at the top of her voice. Nobody moved.
"Who cares for you?" said Alice, (she had grown to her full size by this time.) "You're nothing but a pack of cards!"
Friends, there is no need to knuckle in to a limp-wrist cabal of timorously vicious assholes.
It’s time and past time to take up arms against liberalism’s war on the English language. Liberals are nothing but a pack of cards.
Wendy Hilton
I don’t know Wasserstein’s oeuvre from a hole in the wall nor do I care to; nor do I know to which planet she sent up the various targets of her displeasure.
Neither do I know Mr. Als and his oeuvre (if he possesses any) nor do I care to.
What I do know is that anyone who refers to heterosexuality as an institution is an illiterate asshole not to mention a paying member of the Church of Gayness.
As President Obama might say and often does: Let me make myself perfectly clear:
● The Smithsonian is an Institution.
● Slavery is an Institution.
● Harvard is an Institution.
● Marriage is an Institution.
But Heterosexuality?
Is a Vagina an institution? Is
Testosterone an Institution? Is Love an Institution? Is Masculinity an Institution? Is Hunger an Institution? Is an Erection an Institution? Is Sexual Intercourse an Institution? Is Death an
Institution?
To pursue Hilton’s logic, I guess he considers Fag-Haggery, Homosexuality, and Pedophilia to be Institutions as
well.
What a friggin’ jackass.
[And yeah, I did a Google
check and Mr. Als is indeed gay. So now we know why the New Yorker hired him.]
Mr. Huntsman is trim, moneyed, and Mormanish with distinguished graying hair, a cute first name, and no discernable moral or political convictions that might get in the way of a sound thrashing in 2012 by Pinch Sulzberger paramour, Barack Obama.
***The last space shuttle has, supposedly, made its final flight. I guess NASA and the D.C. bureaucrats will now busy themselves with
some new scheme on which to squander a few trillion rapidly depreciating U.S. dollars ─ maybe a manned flight to Jupiter to investigate a mysterious black monolith that recently landed on the
moon.
Even when I was an aerospace engineer at RCA, I didn't see much purpose in burning up vast quantities of fuel in order to shoot
Americans into space except, perhaps, to beat the Russians to the punch or to prevent an army of technicians and scientists from going into marketing or becoming hedge fund managers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah....I know...we might not have had space blankets and zero-gravity crappers without the Apollo program, and we certainly
wouldn’t have been treated to Neil Armstrong fucking up his little speech when he set foot on the moon. (If it had been Obama, he would have had a teleprompter to help out.)
As I mention in a recent post, the Englishman George Mallory was keen on climbing Mt. Everest because it was there.
That’s about the long and short of why we send men into space ─ with one important difference: Mallory had the right to do anything
he wanted with his own life and fortune no matter how stupid, but ferrying people back and forth from space platforms or propelling them to the moon, mars, or whatever, involves absurd amounts
of time, resources, and taxpayer money.
In the future, let’s stick to using outer space for what God intended ─ to
provide TV service to Uganda, Antarctica, and New Hampshire, to spy on the North Korean missile program, and to help female drivers find their way home after a few too many in the local
bistro.
This country should get the hell out of the manned space flight business. It’s a total loser. And if, 20 years
from now, we wake up to learn that Mao Zedong has become the first mummified Chinese tyrant to land on Uranus, who gives a good goddamn.
Kathleen and Eliot in happier times.
When Parker was dumped a few months ago, I advised CNN to pair Spitzer with a conservative female who didn’t feel impelled to preface her every observation with "I may be wrong, but..." or "Perhaps your right, however,..." or "In my opinion, Eliot..." Not surprisingly, CNN’s management didn’t heed my advice.
After all, folks, faithful members of the Church of Liberalism, those tingly-legged souls who control the media, would happily see their organizations wither and die rather than allow an opposition spokesperson to enter their crumbling cathedral.
***Plaxico Burress, the wide receiver who caught the winning touchdown pass in Super Bowl XLII that ended the New England Patriots perfect season, has been released from prison after serving two years on a gun charge.
Plaxico's Super Bowl-winning catch for the Giants
You may recall that Plaxico managed to shoot himself in the thigh in a New York City nightclub in 2008. As the tale goes, he had tucked his Glock semi-automatic into the waistband of his sweatpants. Not surprisingly, the gun began sliding down his leg. Not surprisingly, he attempted to stem the descent. Not surprisingly, he accidentally pulled the trigger.
A loud bang ensued followed by EMS workers, police, bail postings, lawyers, sentencing, and a speech by Mayor Bloomberg.
Now that Plaxico has paid his debt to society and is looking for a job, he has pledged to assist the Urban League and the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence. "Guns don’t help anybody," Plaxico is quoted as saying.
I’m not sure that is a universal truth, but I will say that it is a universal truth that one should not wear sweatpants to a New York City nightclub whether or not one is packing a Glock.
In any event, I wish Plaxico the best. He’s one hell of a wideout even he is a can short of a six-pack..
UPDATE! Plaxico has signed with the Jets. I was hoping he'd return to the Giants, but what the heck, half a cup's better than none.
***The Infidel World (us) is currently being entertained by a traditional media cud-chewing extravaganza involving so-called uprisings that have been roiling the Islamic World (them).
Youthful idealists in Tunisia, Lebanon, Egypt, and Yemen (soon to be followed, no doubt, by faithful followers of The Prophet elsewhere) have been busy for several months rioting, looting, setting themselves on fire, issuing threats, making strange noises with their tongues, stoning women, and Allahu-Akbaring. In other words, as my wife used to put it in re her sons’ activities after they reached the age of jerk-off, they’ve been "doing their thing."
Food shortages, foreign instigators, intrusive journalists, Twitter, Facebook, cell phones, unemployment, rigged elections, despotic rulers, Zionist conspiracies, U. S. perfidy, Hillary Clinton’s stumpy legs, Disney’s glorification of an Unbeliever Mouse, Richard the Lionhearted’s attempt to wrest Jerusalem from the Turks, Alexander the Great’s conquest of the Persian Empire, Danish cartoonists, Koran flushings, and Barack Obama’s failure to perform Wudu after pissing have all been adduced as sparks that set off the conflagrations.
Perhaps. But careful regression analyses and several triple-blind studies by Dome of Glass cast doubt on these explanations.
It now emerges that peoples of Islamic persuasion require periodic mass "freshenings" (rioting, looting, setting themselves on fire, issuing threats, making strange noises with their tongues, stoning women, and Allahu-Akbaring) every 50 to 75 years to freshen and reinvigorate the population’s healthy flow of fanaticism, much as a dairy cow needs to be fucked every few years in order to freshen and reinvigorate her flow of milk.
In the case of a typical cow, the casus fucking is, generally, the cow going into heat in the vicinity of a bull.
In the case of a typical Mohammedan mob, the casus dementia can be almost anything provided a full moon, television cameras, BBC crews, and Jimmy Carter are in the area.
***A few years back, a large, muscular White moron named Mark Gastineau, a defensive end for the New York Jets, took to performing what he called a "Sack Dance" whenever he brought down a quarterback.
Everyone thought he was an asshole.
Everyone was right.
The league outlawed his "dance."
Mark Gastineau doing his sack
dance over a fallen quarterback
Nowadays when a Black football player pulls the same sort of crap or worse the broadcasters and commentators chime in: "He’s letting his emotions hang out"...:He’s having fun"..."The fans love
it"..."Let the kid enjoy himself."
Well I don’t know what fans other than myself love, but when a 300-pound lineman performs simulated sexual
intercourse after he sacks a quarterback or a 250-pound running back prances around jiggling his ass after scoring a touchdown or a six-foot-four wideout does the cakewalk after he catches a pass or
a 260-pound linebacker straddles the man he has just tackled and beats on his chest like a mountain gorilla, he is insulting his opponents, debasing himself, and acting as if his audience is as crass
and stupid as he is...even if he is Black.
What? I’m a racist? Fuck you.
It’s the media
whores and coaches and team owners and NFL officials — the White apologists who think of Blacks as children with ADHD and who, out of fear and bigotry, permit and abet these ugly, undignified,
embarrassing, and unsportsmanlike displays — that are the real racists.
***In a recent NYT recap of L’Affaire Olbermann, replete with typical liberal euphemisms for left-wing fascists ("outspoken,"
"distinctive," "mercurial," "forceful"), reporters Bill Carter and Brian Stelter emphasize Olbermann’s role in hiking MSNBC’s ratings and establishing the channel’s "brand.". According to the
article, Olbermann’s daily rant and frequent Paul Harvey-like cornball readings of James Thurber stories, boosted MSNBC viewership from several hundred thousand to a million plus.
What nobody seems to ask is: What sort of people constituted Olbermann’s following? Since I personally never met anyone who admitted to
watching the show, my assumption is that the audience for a rabble-rouser like Olbermann consisted (you guessed it) of rabble.
Look friends, any psychotic megalomaniac with a prime-time slot on cable TV can entice a million or two zombies to tune in provided the channel is
jake with having the dregs of the earth as an audience and can dig up enough zombie advertisers and wealthy zombie activists like George Soros to foot the bill.
***The New York Times, America’s crusading or jihading Newspaper of Record, has once again trumped the opposition.
In a stunning and highly disturbing exposé published August 11 by two Jews and someone who sounds Polish, the Times has revealed a horrific shortage of "minority" third-base coaches in major league
baseball. Here are the shocking facts straight from the horse’s ass, er, I mean mouth as reported by Alan Schwarz, Thomas Kaplan, and Jack Styczynski:
About 40 percent of the players in Major League Baseball are black, Hispanic or Asian, and the sport is seen as a leading example of
diversity, yet a curious disparity has emerged in a corner of the game.
Among baseball’s 30 teams, only 23 percent of the third-base coaches are members of minorities, compared with 67 percent of its first-base coaches. The disparity has existed for decades but it is
now about twice as large as it was in 1990, based on an analysis by The New York Times.
The question is why.
It is more than a mysterious quirk...
Is there no bottom to the bottomless pit of American bigotry...no top to its topless tower of anti-minority evil?
The Times itself, despite valiant efforts to purge racists from within its own ranks, has unwittingly fallen prey to the awful sickness of discrimination.
Why have Schwarz, Kaplan, and Styczynski failed to note that not one quadriplegic Asian is employed as a batperson by the Boston Red Sox?...That not a single Hispanic lesbian has ever hit in the
cleanup position for the New York Yankees?...That only one midget has ever appeared in a major league game and, after he drew a base on balls on four straight pitches, the powers that be forbade
future midgets from appearing in lineups?
Eddie Gaedel at bat in 1951 for the White Sox,
And how many seven-foot-tall black sportswriters are employed at the Times despite the fact that 11.37 per cent of players in the NBA are seven-foot-tall blacks? None! Coincidence? Mysterious
quirk? I think not.
I leave you with this final thought:
Independent and rather sloppy research by Dome of Glass has found that 99.98 percent of cornerbacks in the National Football League are African American or some other kind of African and yet
There Is Not a Single Black Third-Base Coach in the NFL!
BULLETIN! The Boston Red Sox have just named Daisuke Matsuzaka as their third-base coach. This raises the percentage of Asian-non-American third-base coaches to
3.333% (6.667% if you count Dice-K’s interpreter who will share the position with him since none of Dice-K's teammates speaks Japanese)
***My wife and I went to buy a car last November to replace our ’95 Saturn. Our first stop was the Mazda dealer in Keene. As soon as we arrived, a heavyset member of that peculiar breed of human
known as A Car Salesman bounded smilingly out of the showroom.
"What can I do for you folks?" it inquired.
"We’re looking for a new car," I said.
"Anything in particular?"
it asked.
"Small," I said. "Cheap."
Its smile faded,
but it gamely led us to a collection of several hundred vehicles in various shades of maroon, blue, silver, red, gray, white, and black arrayed in a row like whores in a cat house.
I took one look and said, "What the hell are these things?"
"Introducing the new, updated, redesigned, improved 2010 Mazda3," the Car Salesman proudly said.
.
2010 Mazda3. Teeth, mustache, and pink eyes
available for modest cost at DOMEOFGLASS.com
I stared at the Car Salesman, stared at my wife, stared back at the Car Salesman, gathered my thoughts.. "These are the fucking ugliest
automobiles I have ever seen," I said politely. "Do you have any 2009 leftovers?"
"They’re all sold," said the Car
Salesman.
"I can understand why," I said.
"Let me tell
you about the exciting new features in our ‘10s. There’s..."
"I don’t care how many new features these monstrosities have. I’m
not going to get up in the morning, go to the garage, and be greeted by a gaping, grinning, chrome-lipped black-holed car snout. Who designed the damn thing; the make-up guy who did Heath Ledger as
the Joker?"
"But..."
"Sayonara. I’ll see you at the
bankruptcy proceedings." And with that my wife and I took off as fast as our pickup could manage, praying the while that the horrific image of the new, improved, exciting 2010 Mazda3 would not linger
in our nightmares.
─────
Back home, gin-and-tonic in
hand, Two and a Half Men on the boob tube, I reviewed the day’s events. What in God’s name possessed the executives at Mazda to approve of this abomination, I asked myself.
At first I assumed the idiots in marketing were to blame, but I soon rejected this hypothesis ─ it takes a perverse sort of genius
to come up with something so appalling as the 2010 Mazda3, and it’s well-known that marketers don’t have any genius, perverse or otherwise.
No, I decided, there was only one possible explanation for the vehicle: An agent employed by one of Mazda’s evil competitors ─ Honda, Toyota,
Subaru, Isuzu, Suzuki, Mitsubishi, Hyundai, Kia ─ must have infiltrated the firm’s top management, installed Paris Hilton as head of automotive design, replaced the design team’s engineers with
Haitian Zombies, and then bribed, black-mailed, and seduced the CEO, COO, and Board of Directors into approving the resultant catastrophe.
