Films I Don’t Watch

I have a personal "Don’t Watch" list of TV shows and motion pictures that has grown so large over the years that there’s just about nothing left for me except the Military Channel and old Ray Harryhausen epics. If you have some favorite non-favorites of your own, please send them along via the "Comments" button at the bottom of the post. For what it’s worth, here’s the roster:

• Movies with cloyingly cutesy titles like Lemony Snicket; Mother, Juggs, and Speed; The Great Scout and Cathouse Thursday; Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood; and The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl
• Movies involving magical body exchanges — man for woman, mother for daughter, man for dog, etc., etc., etc., etc.
• Movies involving people with telepathic and telekinetic powers. (Question: How many people with ESP exist in the real world? Answer: None)
• Movies whose titles feature asinine typography ─ “3” instead of “E,” “Я” instead of “R” (to show it’s Russian), “Amerika” instead of America” to indicate what fascists we all are
• Anything directed by Spike Lee, especially films with those reverse-chic faux-street-language titles (He Got Game, School Daze, She Hate Me). If I was Black ─ and I often wish I was ─ I'd kick that little twit in the butt for insulting my people
• Films with Johnny Depp in one of his quasi-gaylord getups. What is it with this guy anyway? If he’d stop festooning himself with ridiculous costumes, getting himself tarted up like a Village drag queen by makeup artistes, and in general behaving like a primping asshole on screen, he might turn out to be a fairly decent actor. But what the fuck; overweight 10-year-old chicks in Ohio and most of the gay community think he's just the sexiest Hunk on earth. (God, how I loathe that word "Hunk")

 
     Depp as Jack Sparrow               Depp as Ed Wood            Depp as the Mad Hatter    Depp as Edward Scissorhands

• Motion pictures with a Roman numeral in the title (Rocky IV, Terminator III, Halloween MDCIII, etc.)
• Any Woody Allen production subsequent to Annie Hall
• Anything produced or directed by liars (Oliver Stone, Michael Moore)
• Anything starring entertainers who’ve come out of the closet and are so terribly proud of being so terribly brave about their so terribly wonderful gayness (Ellen Degeneris, Elton John, Rosie O’Donnell, Margaret Cho)
• Shows featuring actors with phony names (Whoopie Goldberg, Queen Latifah, Lady Gaga, Rip Torn, Cedric the Entertainer)
• Movies starring activists with an anal-compulsive fixation to tell everyone what to think and if you don’t agree with them you’re a fascist bigot (Streisand, Robbins, Penn, Redford, Sarandon, Garofalo, Damon, Clooney, Sheen, and on and on and on and on and on and on and on)
• Soft-core adult movies on Cinemax featuring vulgar sluts with plastic mammaries performing simulated sex acts with other vulgar sluts with plastic mammaries. (Why they call this crap "adult" is beyond me)
• Antique shows on PBS
• Anything on any PBS channel during a fund drive. (Ten minutes of enticing "Rope-You-In" programming followed by 30 minutes of menopausal bitches pretending to be taking pledges.)
• Charley Rose. (Boring, boring, boring, boring, and boring. This creep is so boring he even bores himself. The one time I watched him, I kept waiting for him to fall asleep in the middle of the interview. Is he on drugs or something?)
• Soap operas of all types. (I define a soap opera as any show with dragged-out serial plots, a repetitive stable of actors, and multiple, simultaneous story lines)
• Any show whose menu precis includes the word "Team" as in "The Team swings into action to rescue Mary’s Chihuahua" or "The Team is called on to cleanse a home of ghosts" or "The Team has 24 hours to save the earth from Bill Gates" My sincere wish is that The Team should go fuck itself
• All so-called Reality shows that are in fact more tightly staged and scripted than a WWE wrestling match...but with worse actors
• Wiggly bouncy herky-jerky hand-held-camera opuses whose artsy-fartsy directors think they’re providing faux authenticity, but in fact are only making the audience nauseous
• Shows employing random bursts of speed-up photography because the producers think it’s a witty giggle rather than the obnoxious cliché it actually is
• Any movie that's been aired more than 1,000 times such as Mystic Pizza, Romancing the Stone, Fried Green Tomatoes, Predator, Wall Street, and every Clint Eastwood and 007 movie
• "America’s Funniest Home Blahs and Blah-Blahs and Blah-Blah-Blahs." (The videos are artificial set-ups by morons desperately seeking their 15 milliseconds of fame and the MC is a smirking jackass who’s thinks he’s funny)
• LMNs` "viewer choice" specials aimed at enticing the curious by not providing the names of the films being shown (as if LMN didn’t know)
• Ninety-minute run-time motion pictures that consume three hours of TV time ─ the additional hour-and-a-half is for commercials, of course
• "Letterbox" films where a motion picture is shown as a narrow slit because the producers are too cheap to reformat
• Boston Red Sox baseball games where the camera spends half its time focused on Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo in the broadcasting booth chatting about the weather or interviewing an assistant Red Sox road secretary because the producers think the game of baseball is as boring to the viewers as it is to them
• Pro football extravaganzas with hour-long halftime shows featuring fireworks, marching bands, and overhyped, no-talent phonies like Bruce Springsteen and Janet Jackson
• British TV documentaries about stupid broads desperately seeking to acquire huge tits
• Motion pictures with 20-minute car chases
• Action pix with noisy, chaotic, meaningless half-hour-long battle scenes consisting of interminable sequences of random explosions and cascading stuntmen spliced together from a few thousand outtakes by a nerd sitting at a computer
• Everything on MSNBC
• Everything on FNC
• Everything on CNN
• Everything on ABC news
• Everything on CBS news
• Everything on NBC news

Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net

 

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  • 6/8/2010 8:34 AM Norm wrote:
    Pop,

    Check out "Snapped" on the Oxygen channel. It shows documentaries about women who murdered their husbands. Note: some episodes are better than others and there are not many different ones.

    I don't know what my problem is, but, I enjoy a true story about someone who takes out life insurance policy on her husband, buys a hand gun, takes shooting lessons, buys some sleeping pills, shoots her then comatose old man, and then hires a lawyer and denies having anything to do with the death of the love of her life.

    One of the best was the women who confronted her redneck husband about repeatedly raping her daughter, his step daughter, and he tauntingly said "What are you going to do about it" not knowing she had a gun in her bag! Hilarious

    On the TRU channel, formally Court TV, there is a similar show called Forensic Files.... very educational.

    Then there is Smoking Gun: Worlds Stupidest Criminals. Repetitive...Yes, Funny... Yes, Disturbing, Yup

    Other than sports, the rest of TV is pretty much crap.
    Reply to this
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