Fighting Racism in Sports
I’m a white male. It was an accident of birth. There is nothing I can do about it short of hiring some of Michael Jackson’s leftover plastic surgeons.
I suppose I could blame my father and mother (neither of whom was any too stable), but that would sound like whining. Besides, although my mother was white, she was not a male so she should be exonerated. As for dad, I can't really place the onus at his doorstep since he did not have a doorstep, living, as he did, in a bachelor apartment on the 25th Floor of the Oliver Cromwell Hotel on Manhattan's West Side until his untimely death from overdosing on sirloin steak.
This brings us (or should I say me) to an issue of great importance — or as Shakespeare might have put it (and did) — an issue of great pith and moment. Before addressing this pithy issue, however, let me reassure everyone that as a former reader of the New York Times my political consciousness has been elevated to such an excruciating level of sensitivity that the slightest hint of unliberalism causes me to break out in hives.
Now where was I? Oh yes. The issue. The issue, as you surely haven't guessed, is the controversy over the use of Native American names as nicknames of sports teams. (Note my use of the politically OK word "controversy" rather than an invidious term such as asininity, madness, or liberal bullshit.) This controversy has been brewing for many decades, but only in the last 25 years or so has it been brought front and center to the world's attention by a select cadre of Harvard professors, Hollywood actors, and other "Choice and master spirits of this age" (Julius Caesar, Act III, Scene 2). Even Native Americans — formerly known as American Indians, formerly known as just plain Indians, formerly known as Redmen — have joined the crusade. (Should you find the word "Crusade" offensive, please substitute the word "Jihad." Should you find "Jihad" offensive, please substitute "Tizzy" or "Snit.")
There is no point defending the indefensible. The Cleveland Indians, Washington Redskins, Chicago Blackhawks, Atlanta Braves, and Kansas City Chiefs must either change their logos or face the wrath of Janeane Garafalo. So, too, must the Seattle University Chieftains, Central Michigan University Chippewas, Mississippi College Choctaws, Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts Mohawks, Southern Mississippi State University Otahkians (I’m not sure this is Native American, but it sounds that way and that's all I need), Florida State University Seminoles, and University of North Dakota Sioux, not to mention the University of Alaska-Fairbanks Nanooks, the College of William and Mary Tribe, and the Southwestern College Moundbuilders. (Yes. I know. I went right ahead and mentioned them anyway.)
But enough of the obvious. The question is, how pervasive is nickname bigotry in America and what are we to do about it? (Actually, that's two questions, but what the hell.)
First, we must identify the culprits. In this endeavor we must not restrict ourselves to a single ethnic or national group, but include all potentially offendable groups, i.e., everybody.
In the pro ranks we have the Boston Celtics, New England Patriots, Houston Texans, New York Yankees, Minnesota Vikings, Dallas Cowboys, San Francisco 49ers, New Orleans Saints, and New York Giants. (Teams such as the Montreal Canadiens, Vancouver Canucks, Edmonton Oilers, and Ottawa Senators are exempt since, by definition, only citizens of the United States can be racists.)
The situation among colleges and universities is far worse. Here's a sampling gleaned from the Internet: San Diego State University Aztecs, Albion College Britons, Sonoma State University Cossacks, Union College Dutchmen, Gordon College Flying Scots (from the size of the Scotsmen I’ve seen at the annual Scottish festival in Lincoln, I doubt if many of them could even get off the ground), Hampshire College Frogs (perhaps this nickname was not meant the way it sounds, but its appeal to the invidious few makes it unacceptable), Iona College Gaels, Radford College Highlanders, Earlham College Hustlin' Quakers, Luther College Norse, Northern Kentucky University Norsemen, University of Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns (talk about offensive!), Alfred University Saxons, Bethany College Swedes, Emory and Henry College Wasps (Oh sure, you say, it's the bugs, not the group. Believe that, you'll believe anything), and, of course, most infamous of all, the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame.
The problem transcends mere humanity. What about our animal friends? What will the PETA folks do when they wake up to the fact that there are hundreds of teams with nicknames like Badgers, Bears, Beavers, Bengals, Bison, Blue Jays, Bobcats, Broncos, Bucks, Bulldogs, Bulls, Cardinals, Cobras, Colts, Cougars, Coyotes, Cubs, Diamondbacks, Dolphins, Ducks, Eagles, Falcons, Gators, Greyhounds, Grizzlies, Hawks, Hornets, Huskies, Jaguars, Jackrabbits, Leopards, Lions, Marlins, Mules (the ladies' teams are called Jennies), Mustangs, Orioles, Owls, Panthers, Peacocks, Penguins, Polar Bears, Rams, Raptors, Ravens, Razorbacks, Red Wings, Salukis, Seagulls, Seahawks, Seals, Sharks, Terrapins, Terriers, Tigers, Timberwolves, Tomcats, Turtles, Vixens, Wildcats, Wolfpack, and Wolverines? There's even a team called the Gorillas. And would you believe the Humpback Whales?
Saddest of all, though, is the cruel advantage taken of earth's lesser creatures. What sort of degenerate would dub his team the Banana Slugs (University of California-Santa Cruz) or the Black Flies (College of the Atlantic, Bar Harbor, Maine) or the Boll Weevils (University of Arkansas-Monticello)? Even giant soft-shelled clams aren't immune as witness the Geoducks (pronounced Gooey-ducks) of Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington. And what are we to make of the Drosophila of the University of California-San Francisco? Matters are hardly helped here even if, like Notre Dame, their full name is the Fighting Drosophila.
What's to be done about all this? First of all, I don't know why you’re asking me. I'm not here to solve the world's problems, you know, and I've wasted more than enough time on this ridiculous piece already. But for what it's worth, some existing names may point the way to a less litigious, more politically correct tomorrow. Centenary College of Louisiana, for example, has men's teams (the Gents) and Women's teams (the Ladies) and best of all they have a brand new arena: Shehee Stadium. Another team that's gone the bisexual route (or should I say gender neutral) is Oberlin College with its Yeomen and Yeowomen (it seems to me that Yeopersons would have sufficed for both sexes and been cheaper uniformwise). Unfortunately this solution will not work in all cases as witness the State University of New York's Buffalo College Bulls whose women's teams would, perforce, be labeled the Cows.
Then there's Western Maryland State College. Their squads go under the blanket sobriquet the Green Terror. Now who could possibly take offense at that?
Finally, there's the simplest solution of all. Outlaw nicknames entirely. Not only will this insulate the various professional teams (by professional I include most of our major universities) and other institutions of higher stupidity from present and future pressure cliques, but it will eliminate those moronic mascots that parade around the field during halftime and block our view of the cheerleaders.
If you’ve managed to read this far, I’m deeply impressed and I thank you for your perseverance and bravery.
Norm Mack, Peterborough, dog@myfairpoint.net
Categories: Racism, Bigotry, Humor, Political Correctness
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