Satire, Politics, New England, Bullshit
Obama in emergency session with Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Harry Belafonte, Barney Frank, Jeremiah Wright, Spike Lee
I have been told by one of my White House chefs that there is some gossip floating about that several of your countrymen, clad in what seems to be hunting gear, have been spotted wandering around various Ukramian towns, military bases, airports, and cities whose names I can’t pronounce
This no doubt unfounded chatter has none-the-less peaked Michelle’s and my curiousities somewhat and also some sectors of the American Medea who are hinting that it might be interpeted by some right-wing fascist conservative Republican congressmen as a possible, accidental, minor, unintended, peaceful, invasion of another country.
Michelle and me, of course, knowing you as well as we do, couldn’t imagine such noughty behavior by someone like you who we consider a good friend but you know how difficult these medea people can be (just Google “Pussy Riot”) and taking a tip from you we are currently implimenting efforts at this point in time to control these unwarranted opinions and thoughts through what Attorney General Halder assures us are perfectly legal and constitutional threats, spying, intimidation, and enemy lists.
And as you probably know from headlines and TV broadcasts and stuff on the web, I have ordered a big cutback in America’s Army, Navy and Air Force to help balance our budget and pay for food stamps, pre-kindergarten, and free abortions. This should help satisfy you and all those other people who don’t like us at home and abroad that we are a peaceful nation with no intention of defending ourselves should we be attacked by somebody like Arab-type religious people or North Koreans or huge countries trying to re-establish their empires.
Now trust me, Dmitri, and PLEASE don’t get me wrong and PLEASE don’t get mad at me. I am NOT saying or implying or even hinting that whatever is going on now to the west of wherever you think your country’s borders should be is any of me or Michelle’s business.
As far as we are concerned, any squabble between and betwixt you and your friends and neighbors in the Ukrame is no business of the U.S. or in anyways wrong or hurtful but me and Michelle wants you to know that if all them rumors are even a teensy bit correct about Russian sportsmen showing up in a city or two that aren’t exactly inside your own country that we are prepared to prove America’s dedication to peace and love by further reducing our military to the point of impotence.
I hope you will take my gentle, mild, innocuous, well-meaning “nudge in the ribs” to heart, and restrict those Russian tourists of yours to no more than the eastern three-quarters of your neighbor’s country.
With fond memories of Neville Chamberlain and the Sudetenland
Yours in Peace and Love,
● America does not choose its enemies, its enemies choose it.
● It is not an option for America to be friends with Russia and Cuba and China and Iran and Venezuela and North Korea and Bolivia. They do not want to be friends with us, not even on Facebook. It does not suit their real or imagined self-interests
Norm Mack, Peterborough, firstname.lastname@example.orgDEAR DOME OF GLASS: You keep riting ill-informed, viscous things about we hard-working school teachurs. I am a grade-school teachur in a hiely dysadvantaged distrikt of Chicargo. Dispite comming from a hiely dysadvantaged singel-parent family of 13 myself I have stroven long hard hours in my community college to ern a degree in pedagogies. I am a dedicated, hardworking pubic servent and like my pubic servent colleages are devoted to nurturing the intellectualisms and critical thinking skillfulnesses of the yungsters in my langwage skills classes.
—Mrs. Rev. Wright, Chicargo, IllinoiseDear Mrs. Wright: Give my regards to the President.
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DEAR DOME OF GLASS: Why do you keep picking on concerned, socially conscious, progressive men and women? You seem consumed with hatred of the unemployed, minorities, pensioners, and the poverty stricken. Shame on you!
—Percy Dovetonsils, Cambridge, MassachusettsDear Percy: You neglected to mention fat people, starving children, polar bears, and Mohammedan taxi drivers.
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DEAR DOME OF GLASS: I enjoy your articles about our friends in the animal kingdom, especially the many delightful anecdotes that you recount concerning these lovable creatures. It is obvious that you yourself are not only an avid conservationist, but a man with deep respect, love, and knowledge of the wonderful furry, scaly, feathery, slippery life forms that share our planet and so enrich our lives and our dinner platters.
I am thinking of purchasing a member of the animal kingdom to share my home in my declining years (I am 22 and will soon be 37). Which organisms would you say make the best pets? Cats? Dogs? Gerbils? Lizards? White rats? Rabbits? Canaries? Snakes?
—Bachelor Bob, Manhattan, KansasDear Bob: Women
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DEAR DOME OF GLASS: What did John Donne mean when he wrote, “Death be not proud?”
—Curious Georgia, Alpharetta, GeorgiaDear Curious: You’re an idiot
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DEER ROME OF BLASS: I have deen byslectic from bearth so I bon’t sqell two goob. My diqqest prodlum iz I can mot tell left fron white so I am allwise quetting lost. Pleas helq!!!!
—Baphled, Bronks, Nu YorkDear Moron: Ask your nurse-practitioner to maim or amputate one of your legs so you’ll have a point of reference. Don’t let her do both or you’ll be right back where you started.
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DEAR DOME OF GLASS: Since I was nine years old (I am now 20) I have been having daily — sometimes hourly — masturbation fantasies in which I burst into a schoolroom or nursery or maternity ward packed with children, babies, and women, and use my mother’s hand grenades, Uzi’s, and Kalashnikov AK-47s to slaughter every living thing in sight.
My mother says it’s a minor anxiety disorder that will go away by the time I’m 50 or 60 years old.
This Christmas she put a WW II Flammenwerfer 35 flame-thrower under the Christmas tree for me to take my mind off grenade launchers, assault rifles, sub-machine guns, and such. I’ve been having a lot of fun with it roasting squirrels and stray cats in our backyard. Those Germans certainly know how to craft fine machinery!
I consider myself a kindly, normal young man whose problems began when my second grade teacher, Mrs. Rosenweisowitz, refused to give me a hall pass for the Girls Room because I was a boy and told me that I should “Hold it in” which I was unable to do.
I am thinking of getting a pet to keep me company during periods when I am not masturbating. What would you suggest?
—Adam Lanza, Newton, ConnecticutDear Adam: A Burmese python
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DEAR DOME OF GLASS: I’ve “skimmed” through your collection of “opinion” pieces and have concluded that you harbor deep-seated negative feelings bordering on psychosis concerning folks who tend to the “left-leaning” or liberal side of the political “spectrum.”
Despite your “frequent” grammatical slip-ups and misspellings, you seem an intelligent enough fellow although I find it difficult to believe that you actually attended let alone received a degree from an “Ivy League” university.
I wonder, however, if instead of “indulging“ in mindless “vituperation” aimed at those who don’t agree with your personal political and “social” beliefs, it would be wiser, maturer, and more civilized of you to exhibit a “tad” more tolerance of other people’s “ideologies.”
Even though I myself “skew” to the liberal side (my parents are fourth-generation anarchists who emigrated from “Italy” during the Pizza Famine of the 1930s), I believe — and I’m sure you’ll “agree” — that America has room for many divergent political “philosophies.”
So here’s my “invitation.” Let’s the two of us embark on a “new pathway” in a spirit of mutual respect and understanding.
As a start, “list” things you dislike most about liberals and things you “like” most.
—Brotherhood, Berkeley, CaliforniaDear Brotherhood: Liberals are assholes.
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DEAR DOME OF GLASS: It has been brought to our attention by my lawyers that you have been engaging in a protracted series of insulting statements concerning my physical appearance and acting ability in re my television commercials for the Progressive Auto Insurance Company.
I’ll have you know that I worked long and hard in The School of Hard Knocks (to coin a phrase) to reach the pinnacle of success and wealth I now enjoy as spokesperson, symbol, and designated love-object for Progressive.
I particularly resent your insulting comments concerning my physical appearance, having more than once accused me of being overweight and even of having characteristics resembling a female bovine.
In fact I receive oodles and oodles of fan letters and emails from both male and female admirers who consider my figure to be the heighth of feminine perfection and sexuality.
An apology from you is in order.
I am NOT a cow.
If you do not acknowledge your errors forthwith and agree to refrain from further insults, I have instructed my team of lawyers to bring action against you and your blog for slander, libel, and loss of consortium.
—Flo, Progressive Auto Insurance, Cayman Islands, BWIDear Flo: Moo
For Russia: One cannot alleviate one’s fear of encirclement by stealing one’s neighbors’ property. The result will only be more neighbors and more encirclement.Norm Mack, Peterborough, email@example.com
For America: One cannot prevent a surprise attack by building a wall of elephants around oneself. The result will only be the proliferation of mice.
● The Eveready Bunny which titillates delighted audiences with its hilarious cuteness by channeling that pompous lump-bodied ass Dan Aykroyd doing his coolio Blues Brothers schtick(I would have included the overweight, glaringly white, fake-funny Progressive Insurance cow, “Flo,” in the list except she isn’t animated...at least I don’t think she’s animated.)
● The Geico Gecko with its unspeakably adorable fake Australian accent that hucksters Geico’s crappy insurance
● The Aflac Duck with its captivatingly lovable quack that’s sure to make us purchase Aflac’s even crappier-than-Geico insurance
● The General Automobile Insurance Company’s Little General with his incredibly precious moustache and five-star helmet and darling little baby haunches
Academy of Country Music AwardsOne wonders: “Why so many awards shows?”
ACE Eddie Awards
American Society of Cinematographers Awards
Art Directors Guild Awards
Blockbuster Entertainment Awards
Cinema Audio Society Awards
Country Music Association Awards
Critics' Choice Awards
Directors Guild of America Awards
Golden Globe Awards
Los Angeles Film Critics Awards
MTV Video Music Awards
National Board of Review Awards
New York Film Critics Awards
People’s Choice Awards
Producers Guild of America Awards
Screen Actors Guild Awards
Visual Effects Society Awards
W. C. Handy Blues Awards
Writers Guild Awards
Hi I'm Pat Condell:
I don't respect your beliefs
and I don't care if you're offended
For God’s sake, Let Martin rest in peace. He’s not a rap star and he’s not Jehovah, Allah, Krishna, Buddha, or the Tenth Incarnation of Vishnu
Norm Mack, Peterborough, firstname.lastname@example.orgUpgrade Your GPS!
“Mack-Voice of Your Choice”
Voice sample: SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN already, schmuck!...You think you’re maybe Dale Earnhardt, Jr.?...Watch the road!...Stop staring at that shiksa with the big butt...You trying to get me killed, already?...A left turn you should make now across from Burger King...Oy, oy, oy! There you go, right past Burger King! What am I, chopped liver you don’t listen to me?...A Burger King you never seen before?...You call yourself a driver?...I should only live so long!...A U-turn you should make now already...Your no-good father should only be here...Or maybe your poor mother, may she rest in peace...It couldn’t hurt...
THE INNER CITY YOUTH
Voice sample: You best be’s takin’ yo’ nex’ left, mofo, les’ you wants to be profiled at that pig barricade up th’ highway an’ wind up starrin’ in a Rodney King You Tube...Shee-it, man, watch out fo’ that fat ho crossin’ the highway...Oh, nevah mine, it jus’ some wrinkly ol’ honky bitch shopping fo’ prune juice or somethin’...Aim yo’ bumper, at th’ bitch an’ jam th’ metal to the floor...Hoo, boy, man, lookee how far th’ ol’ ho fly! ..Hey, man, lissen up! It be twelve mile to the next bacon station, so’s if y’ wants t’ shoot up, now’s yo’ chance, mofo...
Voice sample: Okie Dokie Artichokie, there is an absolutely GORGEOUS scenic overlook just a smidge up the road that you simply MUST stop at...and be sure to keep to your right a teensy bit later so you can drop in for a nibble at an absolutely DARLING little Taco Bell...(Remember, though, you naughty boy, cute buns or no cute buns, no touchy touchy that young fellow behind the counter ...and watch those calories — you don’t want to spoil that girlish figure of yours, do you?)...OH. MY GAWD! You went past your turn and now I have to recalculate everything...I could just cry...
Voice sample: Faster, Achmed, faster! You’re falling behind schedule! The aircraft will depart in less than eight gesh and it is still more than 20 nindans to the ticket counter...ALLĀHU AKBAR! You have passed the I 95 cutoff and are now headed like a burning arrow toward the security gate!...Quick, Rihana, give your exploding brassiere to Abdullah who will don it and in turn divest himself of his exploding jock strap and exploding Air Jordans and hand them to you to secrete beneath your all-encompassing exploding burqa...Allah be praised! We have now arrived at our destination...Should the infidel security officer question you, inform him that he is guilty of profiling and shall be reported to Mr. Attorney General Eric Holder for punishment, Allah willing...
THE POT HEAD
Voice sample: Hey, man, like y’know, I mean, like, I think you should make a left turn someplace...Or is it a right turn?...Oh, fuck, who gives a shit...And anyways, what the fuck was I sayin’?...I tell y’what — back into that department store window or movie theater or McDonald’s or whatever it is...I mean I got a strong desire for some Big Macs and French fries and Chicken McNuggets and Egg McMuffins...Y’know what I mean?...Say — what is that Speed-O-Meter thing readin’, man?...I mean you are clockin’ a slow 15 in a 75 mph zone...(Begins giggling) Like damn, man. Tha’s, like, humorous man...I mean look at those flashin’ blue lights behind us...(Starts laughing uncontrollably)...Give th’ sucker the finger, man...(Choking and gasping with laughter)...Hey, like, pull into that lake, man. I mean I can’t hardly breathe)...
● Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist
● If you live in rock and roll, as I do, you see the reality of sex, of male lust and women being aroused by male lust. It attracts women. It doesn't repel them
● Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. It's part of the sizzle
● There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper
● A woman simply is, but a man must become
● Woman is the dominant sex. Men have to do all sorts of stuff to prove that they are worthy of woman's attention
● Every man must define his identity against his mother. If he does not, he just falls back into her and is swallowed up
● Manhood coerced into sensitivity is no manhood at all
● Men know they are sexual exiles. They wander the earth seeking satisfaction, craving and despising, never content. There is nothing in that anguished motion for women to envy
● When an educated culture routinely denigrates masculinity and manhood, then women will be perpetually stuck with boys, who have no incentive to mature or to honor their commitments. And without strong men as models to either embrace or (for dissident lesbians) to resist, women will never attain a centered and profound sense of themselves as women
● A peevish, grudging rancor against men has been one of the most unpalatable and unjust features of second- and third-wave feminism
● Men are absolutely indispensable right now, invisible as it is to most feminists, who seem blind to the infrastructure that makes their own work lives possible. It is overwhelmingly men who do the dirty, dangerous work of building roads, pouring concrete, laying bricks, tarring roofs, hanging electric wires...It is men who heft and weld the giant steel beams that frame our office buildings, and it is men who do the hair-raising work of insetting and sealing the finely tempered plate-glass windows of skyscrapers 50 stories tall
● The modern economy, with its vast production and distribution network, is a male epic, in which women have found a productive role — but women were not its author. Surely, modern women are strong enough now to give credit where credit is due!
● The law should be blind to race, gender and sexual orientation, just as it claims to be blind to wealth and power. There should be no specially protected groups of any kind, except for children, the severely disabled and the elderly, whose physical frailty demands society's care
● Capitalism has its weaknesses. But it is capitalism that ended the stranglehold of the hereditary aristocracies, raised the standard of living for most of the world and enabled the emancipation of women
● It is capitalist America that produced the modern independent woman. Never in history have women had more freedom of choice in regard to dress, behavior, career, and sexual orientation
● Why has the Democratic Party become so arrogantly detached from ordinary Americans? Though they claim to speak for the poor and dispossessed, Democrats have increasingly become the party of an upper-middle-class professional elite, top-heavy with journalists, academics and lawyers
● And what do Democrats stand for, if they are so ready to defame concerned citizens as the “mob” — a word betraying a Marie Antoinette delusion of superiority to ordinary mortals. I thought my party was populist, attentive to the needs and wishes of those outside the power structure. And as a product of the 1960s, I thought the Democratic party was passionately committed to freedom of thought and speech
Question: Why do many Asian youngsters do well in school?To put matters directly: I’m sick of PC viciousness and the lies that underpin it.
Answer: Maybe it’s because a lot of them are smart.
Question: Why do many blacks and Hispanics do poorly in school?
Answer: Maybe it’s because a lot of them are dumb
Question: Isn’t it bigoted to suggest such things in public? (It’s okay in private.)
Answer: It’s bigoted to reject ideas because they’re unpleasant or contradict left-wing group-think orthodoxy
Lies solve nothing.The problem, you see, is that the real world is not Oz.
Lies get taxpayers to dump money into worthless boondoggles like Head Start and Pre-kindergarten.
Lies get the government to squander billions of dollars on useless feel-good programs.
Lies get university professors to dumb down their curricula to avoid charges of racial bias.
Lies get teachers to hand out A’s and A+’s to semiliterate dolts majoring in useless subjects.
● If you’re 5’ 5”, and can’t dunk a basketball, you’ll not succeed in the NBAWhat’s that you say? A good mind is a terrible thing to waste?
● If you’re puzzled by the Theory of Relativity and don’t understand the structure of DNA, you’re not destined for a career in quantum physics or biochemistry
● If you can’t run the 40 in 4.4 seconds or throw a football 60 yards, you best forget about being the team quarterback and getting to screw a lot of hot chicks
● If you’re a dumpy, overweight five-foot-tall woman with stumpy legs and a big butt, you better face the fact that you aren’t cut out for supermodeldom
And on the third hand, the Mother Church of Liberalism continues to be appalled at the use of standardized tests as entrance determinates for elite high schools or for admission to prestigious colleges. The problem, you see, is that certain in-vogue ethnic and racial groups perform far below certain other out-of-vogue ethnic and racial groups on the exams. The Mother Church and its Golden Horde of Politically Correct Huns, consider this proof positive that the exams are biased.New Mexico’s Teacher Evaluations Meet ResistanceAn evaluation system installed by the state’s education secretary-designate, Hanna Skandera, gives too much weight to standardized tests, opponents say...
Ms. Skandera, appointed in 2011 by the state’s Republican governor, Susana Martinez, has crisscrossed New Mexico for the past several weeks, rolling out an aggressive teacher evaluation system devised to improve student achievement in a state that has long ranked near the bottom of most educational metrics.
But the plan has drawn deep resentment from many here, who say it leans too heavily on standardized tests. Last month, teachers wore black clothing and held rallies across the state to denounce Ms. Skandera’s data-driven approach. Lawsuits have been filed to block the evaluations but have not advanced in the courts.
Some good may come out of the Duck Dynasty affair — though I doubt it.Paglia: Duck Dynasty uproar ‘utterly fascist, utterly Stalinist’
by Caroline May, political reporter
The suspension of Phil Robertson from A&E’s Duck Dynasty is outrageous in a nation that values freedom, according to social critic and openly gay, dissident feminist Camille Paglia.
“I speak with authority here, because I was openly gay before the ‘Stonewall rebellion,’ when it cost you something to be so. And I personally feel as a libertarian that people have the right to free thought and free speech,” Paglia, a professor at the University of the Arts in Philadelphia, said on Laura Ingraham’s radio show Thursday.
“In a democratic country, people have the right to be homophobic as well as they have the right to support homosexuality — as I one hundred percent do. If people are basing their views against gays on the Bible, again they have a right of religious freedom there,” she added.
Robertson has been suspended from Duck Dynasty due to comments he made to GQ that have been deemed “anti-gay.” According to Paglia, the culture has become too politically correct.
“To express yourself in a magazine in an interview — this is the level of punitive PC, utterly fascist, utterly Stalinist, OK, that my liberal colleagues in the Democratic Party and on college campuses have supported and promoted over the last several decades,” Paglia said. “This is the whole legacy of free speech 1960’s that have been lost by my own party.”
Paglia went on to point out that while she is an atheist she respects religion and has been frustrated by the intolerance of gay activists.
“I think that this intolerance by gay activists toward the full spectrum of human beliefs is a sign of immaturity, juvenility,” Paglia said. “This is not the mark of a true intellectual life. This is why there is no cultural life now in the U.S. Why nothing is of interest coming from the major media in terms of cultural criticism. Why the graduates of the Ivy League with their A, A, A+ grades are complete cultural illiterates, etc. is because they are not being educated in any way to give respect to opposing view points.”
“There is a dialogue going on human civilization, for heaven sakes. It’s not just this monologue coming from fanatics who have displaced the religious beliefs of their parents into a political movement,” she added. “And that is what happened to feminism, and that is what happened to gay activism, a fanaticism.”
1. It was entirely predictable that the neurological pathways dealing with thoughts, reflexes, and animal urges within the average male brain should be royal blue. However, it was surprising, indeed disappointing, that the equivalent female alleys and byways are orange rather than pink. This unexpected result is apt to alter the entire new-born-baby gift industry as well as manufacturers of those pink ribbons people wear when they’re out jogging for abortion rights.
2. Careful examination of the several hemispheres and lobes of the various brains indicates that female brains are more attractive, curvaceous, and have longer eyelashes than male brains. Progressive-minded scientists of both sexes, however, claim that environmental factors rather than genetics explain these differences. For example, females are forced to wallow in Estée Lauder cosmetics, L’Oréal hair preparations, stiletto heels, and Victoria’s Secret lingerie whereas males are left free to express themselves with facial stubble, baseball caps, jockey shorts, and farting.
3. Although I’m not certain which are the fronts and which are the rears of the pictured brains, my guess is that the back sections are located toward the bottom in the left-hand illustrations and toward the right in the right-hand illustrations. If correct, this assumption jibes with the tendency of females to talk constantly (Broca’s area) contrasted with the male penchant to watch football, eat chili dogs, and develop heartburn on weekends (the Madden area).
4. Note the tangled Gordian knot of wiring that occupies the entirety of both hemispheres of the male brain and is responsible for sputtering, drooling, and outbursts of frustrated rage versus the orderly, neat, and tastefully configured crochet sampler that characterizes the front sections of the female brain and which leaves everything else pretty much empty, relaxed, and ready to watch Oprah or the LMN channel.
5. Close examination of the brains shows a number of small spherical blue, green, red, aquamarine, and white objects resembling JuJu Gum Drops scattered about both male and female brains. The male brain, as you can see, evinces much more connectome activity involving the JuJus than does the female brain. This difference clearly reflects the masculine practice of wolfing down whatever food is available before the children or in-laws can get their hands on it compared with the feminine tendency to leave a few morsels on the platter in deference to other family members or to feed the dog.
Just what the hell is it that goes on in the bizarre, tiny, incestuous world of contemporary art?
What possesses nouveau riche billionaires from around the world — Russians, Arabs, Asians, Brazilians, Americans — to squander their ill-gotten wealth on the ugliest, silliest, most meaningless trash that delusional poseurs, schizophrenics, alcoholics, and drug addicts are able to create?
1. “I guess you have to be really smart and educated and sensitive and artistic to appreciate the greatness of these paintings and sculptures.”or
2. “This stuff is shit. I wouldn’t be caught dead with any of it in my home.”As usual, the Man in the Street (AKA plebe, hoi polloi, the great unwashed) misses the point.
● U-2 spy flights had uncovered the fact that the Soviet Union had stationed nuclear-tipped medium range ballistic missiles and deployed nuclear-armed Ilyushin-28 bombers in Cuba, 90 miles from our shores. The weapons were installed and operated by Soviet technicians and crews.Faced with a multitude of unpleasant alternatives ranging from inaction (i.e., capitulation) to an all-out nuclear war, the discussion in Washington soon narrowed to two possible courses of action:
● It was imperative for President Kennedy and his advisors to persuade or force the Soviets to remove the missiles, planes, and nuclear warheads.
1. Invade Cuba, destroy the missiles and bombers, kick out the Soviet advisors and technicians and military personnel, and, as a byproduct, restore democracy to Cuba.Kennedy settled on the latter approach, one which presented the Soviet Premier with a nightmare game of chicken — either order your vessels to turn tail and be humiliated or attempt to break the blockade and risk igniting a conflict more terrible than any that has ever been visited upon our species.
2. Impose a naval “quarantine” (a weasel-word for “blockade”) to halt further arms or support from reaching Castro.