Satire, Politics, New England, Bullshit
Harmo-Utopia is a revolutionary, naturally occurring, synthetic, herbal, broad-spectrum fungicide, insecticide, and probiotic anti-inflammatory dietary supplement that encourages the growth and prosperity of several strains of intestinal parasite that are rumored to bolster overall bodily tonus, reduce flab, soothe interpersonal relationships by eliminating sexual desire, combat attention deficit disorder in male children, and proactively mitigate nausea, “the blahs,” and paranoid delusions of happiness.*HARMO-UTOPIA IS NOT FOR EVERYONE
If you are female or think you might be female or plan to become female or may have once been female without realizing it, Harmo-Utopia may not be for you...but then again, it might be.WHAT SHOULD I TELL MY HEALTH CARE
If you are currently pregnant, thinking of becoming pregnant, might eventually get pregnant, have been pregnant in the past, are afraid of getting pregnant in the future, or have nightmares about being pregnant, ask your physician or chiropractor or witch doctor if Harmo-Utopia is right for you. Failing that, have your ovaries removed and/or castrate any significant other(s) or casual acquaintances.
● Have heart problemsWHAT MEDICATIONS SHOULD I AVOID
● Have seizures
● Eat artichokes
● Have cirrhosis of the liver
● Tan easily
● Are on a waiting list for a new face
● Read the New York Times
● Believe in extra-sensory perception
● Have high blood pressure
● Sniff glue
● Have low blood pressure
● Drive a Buick
● Have anorexia nervosa
● Own two or more Chihuahuas
● Practice drinking and driving
● Attend church on a regular basis
● Are attracted to men and women wearing burqas
Tell your health care provider about any medications or herbal remedies or illegal stimulants that you are swallowing, smoking, snorting, or injecting; have ever swallowed, smoked, snorted or injected; or expect to swallow, smoke, snort, or inject in the future including: Aspirin, Tylenol, crack cocaine, Advil, Viagra, vitamins A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, (etc.), Oxycontin, Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Zyclon B, pomegranate juice, Percocet, Vaseline, The Clear, rhinoceros horn powder, anything ending in the syllables “my-cin,” and anything recommended by Dr. Oz.WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE SIDE
● Dry mouthHOW DO I USE HARMO-UTOPIA?
● An erection that lasts more than a month
● Abnormal drooling
● Feeling that you’re sitting down when you’re standing up (Phlebus)
● Excessive growth of axillary hair
● Frequent and painful masturbation
● Hypersensitivity to other people humming, chewing, picking scabs, or living
● Frequent bad hair days
● Persistent wheezing during sex
● Feelings of inferiority, superiority, or measles
● Harmo-Utopia can be administered via any bodily orifice other than your toes.Norm Mack, Peterborough, firstname.lastname@example.org
● Inhale, chew, or ram two or three or more Harmo-Utopia capsules up, down, or into your preferred orifice at least twice each day, preferably before and after shaving as well as before, during, and between meals.
● As soon as each Harmo-Utopia capsule is fully engulfed, rinse your mouth out with hot sudsy water. We recommend Cascade dish detergent or, if you are allergic to water, a gelatinous type of hand cleaner such as Goop. (Be sure to rid your mouth and throat of whatever substance you’re gargling before attempting to speak or to ingest another Harmo-Utopia capsule.)
● To prevent hair loss and blindness, try not to spray Harmo-Utopia on your scalp or into your eyes. If you do, vigorously massage the affected areas with a poultice of baking soda, vinegar, corn starch, sea salt, and turpentine, then call your health care provider, your lawyer, and your next of kin.
The story then goes on, in a rather breezy and fairly confusing fashion, to describe the return of the little boy to his birth parents.Elderly man brings wrong child home from school
By Tara Palmeri
A 79-year-old man who thought he was picking up his great-grandchild from school on Friday drove home with the wrong tot — and didn’t realize the snafu until his wife eyeballed the little boy.
As soon as the great-grandfather made a right turn instead of a left out of the Sterling, Conn. school, 5-year-old Everett Stone yelled “I live on Pine Hill Road!” which incidentally is the same street that his great-grandson lives on. [Ed. Note: I believe Ms. Palmeri means the great-grandson of the great-grandfather, not the great-grandson of Everett as her syntax would indicate. But I may be wrong.]
“[The great-grandfather] said ‘I know you live on Pine Hill Road but your mom is sick so you have to come to my house,’” the boy’s father, Derek Stone, 38, told The Post.
“The man pulls into his garage and my son refuses to get out of the car.”
“So the man goes into the house and gets his wife, who took my son’s hat off, and said ‘Hey you have the wrong kid...’”
All Natural Fully Cooked Sausage LinksAlas. My wife had ordered me to obtain SAUSAGES — uncooked, unflavored, unpattied, unbrowned-and-served, and with their full complements of saturated fat.
All Natural Fully Cooked Maple Sausage Links
All Natural Fully Cooked Mild Sausage Patties
Brown & Serve Original Sausage Patties
Brown & Serve Sausage Links
Brown & Serve Maple Sausage Links
Fully Cooked Original Sausage Links
Fully Cooked Turkey Sausage Links
Heat & Serve Original Sausage Patties
Vermont Maple Syrup Sausage Links
Reduced Fat Fully Cooked Maple Flavored Sausage Patties
1. I eventually secured some plain old sausages at Roy’s grocery and butcher shop in downtown Peterborough.
2. I went back to Shaw’s several weeks later to research other supermarket foods. Not to suffocate readers with detail, I discovered 6 kinds of rice, 18 kinds of coffee, 12 varieties of (Lays) potato chips, 8 varieties of (Colgate) toothpaste, 6 kinds of milk. 12 varieties of (Ragù) spaghetti sauce, five varieties of (Hellman’s) mayonnaise, and 4 varieties of (Heinz) vinegar.What I find particularly interesting (or should I say disheartening) is that the descriptive labels associated with many of these hundreds of varietals have absolutely no meaning whatsoever — “Smart Taste” pasta, “Real” mayonnaise, “Total Advance” toothpaste, “Major Dickenson’s” coffee, “Hearty” spaghetti sauce, “Classic” potato chips, “Original” vegetable cocktail, and so on and so on and so on and so on.
Mozilla prides itself on being held to a different standard and, this past week, we didn’t live up to it. We know why people are hurt and angry, and they are right: it’s because we haven’t stayed true to ourselves.Brendan Eich’s crime?
We didn’t act like you’d expect Mozilla to act. We didn’t move fast enough to engage with people once the controversy started. We’re sorry. We must do better.
Brendan Eich has chosen to step down from his role as CEO. He’s made this decision for Mozilla and our community.
Mozilla believes both in equality and freedom of speech. Equality is necessary for meaningful speech. And you need free speech to fight for equality. Figuring out how to stand for both at the same time can be hard.
Our organizational culture reflects diversity and inclusiveness. We welcome contributions from everyone regardless of age, culture, ethnicity, gender, gender-identity, language, race, sexual orientation, geographical location and religious views. Mozilla supports equality for all.
We have employees with a wide diversity of views. Our culture of openness extends to encouraging staff and community to share their beliefs and opinions in public. This is meant to distinguish Mozilla from most organizations and hold us to a higher standard. But this time we failed to listen, to engage, and to be guided by our community.
While painful, the events of the last week show exactly why we need the web. So all of us can engage freely in the tough conversations we need to make the world better.
We need to put our focus back on protecting that Web. And doing so in a way that will make you proud to support Mozilla.
What’s next for Mozilla’s leadership is still being discussed. We want to be open about where we are in deciding the future of the organization and will have more information next week. However, our mission will always be to make the Web more open so that humanity is stronger, more inclusive and more just: that’s what it means to protect the open Web.
We will emerge from this with a renewed understanding and humility — our large, global, and diverse community is what makes Mozilla special, and what will help us fulfill our mission. We are stronger with you involved.
Thank you for sticking with us.
Mitchell Baker, Executive Chairwoman
1916, Woodrow Wilson, “He kept us out of war” (Once re-ensconced in office, Wilson immediately took the nation into World War I following which he screwed up the ensuing peace process sufficiently to pave the way for Lenin, Mussolini, Stalin, Hitler, Tojo, Communism, Fascism, Nazism, World War II, and 50 million slaughtered people.)Underlying and abetting these ridiculous, intellect-freezing campaign slogans, is a vast septic field of catch-phrases and parasitic memes that are spread among the masses through such vectors as politicians, cause-zealots, and youthful collegiate sheep in the same way that ticks spread lyme disease to unwary hikers. An exchange of these meaningless clichés and buzzwords is, increasingly, what passes for political discourse in American society.
1932, Franklin Roosevelt, “Happy Days Are Here Again” (Oh yeah? With the collected works of history’s most fatuous economist, John Maynard Keynes, in his briefcase, FDR proceeded to subsidize farm non-production, initiate an array of federal make-work programs, promulgate business stifling regulations, expand the nation’s welfare rolls, increase taxes, kiss organized labor’s ass, and — oh yes — prolong the Great Recession for another eight years until rescued by Adolf Hitler and World War II.)
1948, Ike Eisenhower, “I Like Ike” (So what and who cares?)
1964, Lyndon Johnson, “All the way with LBJ” (All the way where? Vietnam?)
1968, Richard Nixon, “Nixon’s the one” (He sure was.)
1980, Ronald Reagan, “Are You Better Off Than You Were Four Years Ago?”.(Kinda rhetorical considering that the nation had just been treated to four years of Jimmy Carter.)
1992, Bill Clinton, “It's the economy, stupid” (This is easily the best of the lot even though credit for coining it goes to that evil Mongoloid prick James Carville.)
2000, George W. Bush, “A kinder, gentler nation” (This one takes the cake as the most cringeworthy campaign slogan in history. No wonder fat Al almost stole the election.)
2008, Barack Obama, “Change” (Jesus H. Christ. Are people so abysmally stupid that they actually fall for shit like that?)
2012, Barack Obama, “Forward” (If our Jackass in Chief had rolled out the catchword “Backward,” I might have voted for him myself. Better yet, why not be honest and just say, “I am African American. Vote for me or you’re a bigot.)
Each morning, at the inevitable bathroom mirror, a stranger stares back at me.Ohhh! You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness! Ohhh! Look out! Look out! I'm going! Ohhhh – Ohhhhhhhhhh!”
─The Wicked Witch of the West's last words in the 1939 film, The Wizard of Oz
Obama in emergency session with Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Harry Belafonte, Barney Frank, Jeremiah Wright, Spike Lee
I have been told by one of my White House chefs that there is some gossip floating about that several of your countrymen, clad in what seems to be hunting gear, have been spotted wandering around various Ukramian towns, military bases, airports, and cities whose names I can’t pronounce
This no doubt unfounded chatter has none-the-less peaked Michelle’s and my curiousities somewhat and also some sectors of the American Medea who are hinting that it might be interpeted by some right-wing fascist conservative Republican congressmen as a possible, accidental, minor, unintended, peaceful, invasion of another country.
Michelle and me, of course, knowing you as well as we do, couldn’t imagine such noughty behavior by someone like you who we consider a good friend but you know how difficult these medea people can be (just Google “Pussy Riot”) and taking a tip from you we are currently implimenting efforts at this point in time to control these unwarranted opinions and thoughts through what Attorney General Halder assures us are perfectly legal and constitutional threats, spying, intimidation, and enemy lists.
And as you probably know from headlines and TV broadcasts and stuff on the web, I have ordered a big cutback in America’s Army, Navy and Air Force to help balance our budget and pay for food stamps, pre-kindergarten, and free abortions. This should help satisfy you and all those other people who don’t like us at home and abroad that we are a peaceful nation with no intention of defending ourselves should we be attacked by somebody like Arab-type religious people or North Koreans or huge countries trying to re-establish their empires.
Now trust me, Dmitri, and PLEASE don’t get me wrong and PLEASE don’t get mad at me. I am NOT saying or implying or even hinting that whatever is going on now to the west of wherever you think your country’s borders should be is any of me or Michelle’s business.
As far as we are concerned, any squabble between and betwixt you and your friends and neighbors in the Ukrame is no business of the U.S. or in anyways wrong or hurtful but me and Michelle wants you to know that if all them rumors are even a teensy bit correct about Russian sportsmen showing up in a city or two that aren’t exactly inside your own country that we are prepared to prove America’s dedication to peace and love by further reducing our military to the point of impotence.
I hope you will take my gentle, mild, innocuous, well-meaning “nudge in the ribs” to heart, and restrict those Russian tourists of yours to no more than the eastern three-quarters of your neighbor’s country.
With fond memories of Neville Chamberlain and the Sudetenland
Yours in Peace and Love,
● America does not choose its enemies, its enemies choose it.
● It is not an option for America to be friends with Russia and Cuba and China and Iran and Venezuela and North Korea and Bolivia. They do not want to be friends with us, not even on Facebook. It does not suit their real or imagined self-interests
Norm Mack, Peterborough, email@example.comDEAR DOME OF GLASS: You keep riting ill-informed, viscous things about we hard-working school teachurs. I am a grade-school teachur in a hiely dysadvantaged distrikt of Chicargo. Dispite comming from a hiely dysadvantaged singel-parent family of 13 myself I have stroven long hard hours in my community college to ern a degree in pedagogies. I am a dedicated, hardworking pubic servent and like my pubic servent colleages are devoted to nurturing the intellectualisms and critical thinking skillfulnesses of the yungsters in my langwage skills classes.
—Mrs. Rev. Wright, Chicargo, IllinoiseDear Mrs. Wright: Give my regards to the President.
* * *
DEAR DOME OF GLASS: Why do you keep picking on concerned, socially conscious, progressive men and women? You seem consumed with hatred of the unemployed, minorities, pensioners, and the poverty stricken. Shame on you!
—Percy Dovetonsils, Cambridge, MassachusettsDear Percy: You neglected to mention fat people, starving children, polar bears, and Mohammedan taxi drivers.
* * *
DEAR DOME OF GLASS: I enjoy your articles about our friends in the animal kingdom, especially the many delightful anecdotes that you recount concerning these lovable creatures. It is obvious that you yourself are not only an avid conservationist, but a man with deep respect, love, and knowledge of the wonderful furry, scaly, feathery, slippery life forms that share our planet and so enrich our lives and our dinner platters.
I am thinking of purchasing a member of the animal kingdom to share my home in my declining years (I am 22 and will soon be 37). Which organisms would you say make the best pets? Cats? Dogs? Gerbils? Lizards? White rats? Rabbits? Canaries? Snakes?
—Bachelor Bob, Manhattan, KansasDear Bob: Women
* * *
DEAR DOME OF GLASS: What did John Donne mean when he wrote, “Death be not proud?”
—Curious Georgia, Alpharetta, GeorgiaDear Curious: You’re an idiot
* * *
DEER ROME OF BLASS: I have deen byslectic from bearth so I bon’t sqell two goob. My diqqest prodlum iz I can mot tell left fron white so I am allwise quetting lost. Pleas helq!!!!
—Baphled, Bronks, Nu YorkDear Moron: Ask your nurse-practitioner to maim or amputate one of your legs so you’ll have a point of reference. Don’t let her do both or you’ll be right back where you started.
* * *
DEAR DOME OF GLASS: Since I was nine years old (I am now 20) I have been having daily — sometimes hourly — masturbation fantasies in which I burst into a schoolroom or nursery or maternity ward packed with children, babies, and women, and use my mother’s hand grenades, Uzi’s, and Kalashnikov AK-47s to slaughter every living thing in sight.
My mother says it’s a minor anxiety disorder that will go away by the time I’m 50 or 60 years old.
This Christmas she put a WW II Flammenwerfer 35 flame-thrower under the Christmas tree for me to take my mind off grenade launchers, assault rifles, sub-machine guns, and such. I’ve been having a lot of fun with it roasting squirrels and stray cats in our backyard. Those Germans certainly know how to craft fine machinery!
I consider myself a kindly, normal young man whose problems began when my second grade teacher, Mrs. Rosenweisowitz, refused to give me a hall pass for the Girls Room because I was a boy and told me that I should “Hold it in” which I was unable to do.
I am thinking of getting a pet to keep me company during periods when I am not masturbating. What would you suggest?
—Adam Lanza, Newton, ConnecticutDear Adam: A Burmese python
* * *
DEAR DOME OF GLASS: I’ve “skimmed” through your collection of “opinion” pieces and have concluded that you harbor deep-seated negative feelings bordering on psychosis concerning folks who tend to the “left-leaning” or liberal side of the political “spectrum.”
Despite your “frequent” grammatical slip-ups and misspellings, you seem an intelligent enough fellow although I find it difficult to believe that you actually attended let alone received a degree from an “Ivy League” university.
I wonder, however, if instead of “indulging“ in mindless “vituperation” aimed at those who don’t agree with your personal political and “social” beliefs, it would be wiser, maturer, and more civilized of you to exhibit a “tad” more tolerance of other people’s “ideologies.”
Even though I myself “skew” to the liberal side (my parents are fourth-generation anarchists who emigrated from “Italy” during the Pizza Famine of the 1930s), I believe — and I’m sure you’ll “agree” — that America has room for many divergent political “philosophies.”
So here’s my “invitation.” Let’s the two of us embark on a “new pathway” in a spirit of mutual respect and understanding.
As a start, “list” things you dislike most about liberals and things you “like” most.
—Brotherhood, Berkeley, CaliforniaDear Brotherhood: Liberals are assholes.
* * *
DEAR DOME OF GLASS: It has been brought to our attention by my lawyers that you have been engaging in a protracted series of insulting statements concerning my physical appearance and acting ability in re my television commercials for the Progressive Auto Insurance Company.
I’ll have you know that I worked long and hard in The School of Hard Knocks (to coin a phrase) to reach the pinnacle of success and wealth I now enjoy as spokesperson, symbol, and designated love-object for Progressive.
I particularly resent your insulting comments concerning my physical appearance, having more than once accused me of being overweight and even of having characteristics resembling a female bovine.
In fact I receive oodles and oodles of fan letters and emails from both male and female admirers who consider my figure to be the heighth of feminine perfection and sexuality.
An apology from you is in order.
I am NOT a cow.
If you do not acknowledge your errors forthwith and agree to refrain from further insults, I have instructed my team of lawyers to bring action against you and your blog for slander, libel, and loss of consortium.
—Flo, Progressive Auto Insurance, Cayman Islands, BWIDear Flo: Moo
For Russia: One cannot alleviate one’s fear of encirclement by stealing one’s neighbors’ property. The result will only be more neighbors and more encirclement.Norm Mack, Peterborough, firstname.lastname@example.org
For America: One cannot prevent a surprise attack by building a wall of elephants around oneself. The result will only be the proliferation of mice.
● The Eveready Bunny which titillates delighted audiences with its hilarious cuteness by channeling that pompous lump-bodied ass Dan Aykroyd doing his coolio Blues Brothers schtick(I would have included the overweight, glaringly white, fake-funny Progressive Insurance cow, “Flo,” in the list except she isn’t animated...at least I don’t think she’s animated.)
● The Geico Gecko with its unspeakably adorable fake Australian accent that hucksters Geico’s crappy insurance
● The Aflac Duck with its captivatingly lovable quack that’s sure to make us purchase Aflac’s even crappier-than-Geico insurance
● The General Automobile Insurance Company’s Little General with his incredibly precious moustache and five-star helmet and darling little baby haunches
Academy of Country Music AwardsOne wonders: “Why so many awards shows?”
ACE Eddie Awards
American Society of Cinematographers Awards
Art Directors Guild Awards
Blockbuster Entertainment Awards
Cinema Audio Society Awards
Country Music Association Awards
Critics' Choice Awards
Directors Guild of America Awards
Golden Globe Awards
Los Angeles Film Critics Awards
MTV Video Music Awards
National Board of Review Awards
New York Film Critics Awards
People’s Choice Awards
Producers Guild of America Awards
Screen Actors Guild Awards
Visual Effects Society Awards
W. C. Handy Blues Awards
Writers Guild Awards
Hi I'm Pat Condell:
I don't respect your beliefs
and I don't care if you're offended
For God’s sake, Let Martin rest in peace. He’s not a rap star and he’s not Jehovah, Allah, Krishna, Buddha, or the Tenth Incarnation of Vishnu
Norm Mack, Peterborough, email@example.comUpgrade Your GPS!
“Mack-Voice of Your Choice”
Voice sample: SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN already, schmuck!...You think you’re maybe Dale Earnhardt, Jr.?...Watch the road!...Stop staring at that shiksa with the big butt...You trying to get me killed, already?...A left turn you should make now across from Burger King...Oy, oy, oy! There you go, right past Burger King! What am I, chopped liver you don’t listen to me?...A Burger King you never seen before?...You call yourself a driver?...I should only live so long!...A U-turn you should make now already...Your no-good father should only be here...Or maybe your poor mother, may she rest in peace...It couldn’t hurt...
THE INNER CITY YOUTH
Voice sample: You best be’s takin’ yo’ nex’ left, mofo, les’ you wants to be profiled at that pig barricade up th’ highway an’ wind up starrin’ in a Rodney King You Tube...Shee-it, man, watch out fo’ that fat ho crossin’ the highway...Oh, nevah mine, it jus’ some wrinkly ol’ honky bitch shopping fo’ prune juice or somethin’...Aim yo’ bumper, at th’ bitch an’ jam th’ metal to the floor...Hoo, boy, man, lookee how far th’ ol’ ho fly! ..Hey, man, lissen up! It be twelve mile to the next bacon station, so’s if y’ wants t’ shoot up, now’s yo’ chance, mofo...
Voice sample: Okie Dokie Artichokie, there is an absolutely GORGEOUS scenic overlook just a smidge up the road that you simply MUST stop at...and be sure to keep to your right a teensy bit later so you can drop in for a nibble at an absolutely DARLING little Taco Bell...(Remember, though, you naughty boy, cute buns or no cute buns, no touchy touchy that young fellow behind the counter ...and watch those calories — you don’t want to spoil that girlish figure of yours, do you?)...OH. MY GAWD! You went past your turn and now I have to recalculate everything...I could just cry...
Voice sample: Faster, Achmed, faster! You’re falling behind schedule! The aircraft will depart in less than eight gesh and it is still more than 20 nindans to the ticket counter...ALLĀHU AKBAR! You have passed the I 95 cutoff and are now headed like a burning arrow toward the security gate!...Quick, Rihana, give your exploding brassiere to Abdullah who will don it and in turn divest himself of his exploding jock strap and exploding Air Jordans and hand them to you to secrete beneath your all-encompassing exploding burqa...Allah be praised! We have now arrived at our destination...Should the infidel security officer question you, inform him that he is guilty of profiling and shall be reported to Mr. Attorney General Eric Holder for punishment, Allah willing...
THE POT HEAD
Voice sample: Hey, man, like y’know, I mean, like, I think you should make a left turn someplace...Or is it a right turn?...Oh, fuck, who gives a shit...And anyways, what the fuck was I sayin’?...I tell y’what — back into that department store window or movie theater or McDonald’s or whatever it is...I mean I got a strong desire for some Big Macs and French fries and Chicken McNuggets and Egg McMuffins...Y’know what I mean?...Say — what is that Speed-O-Meter thing readin’, man?...I mean you are clockin’ a slow 15 in a 75 mph zone...(Begins giggling) Like damn, man. Tha’s, like, humorous man...I mean look at those flashin’ blue lights behind us...(Starts laughing uncontrollably)...Give th’ sucker the finger, man...(Choking and gasping with laughter)...Hey, like, pull into that lake, man. I mean I can’t hardly breathe)...