Satire, Politics, New England, Bullshit
● U-2 spy flights had uncovered the fact that the Soviet Union had stationed nuclear-tipped medium range ballistic missiles and deployed nuclear-armed Ilyushin-28 bombers in Cuba, 90 miles from our shores. The weapons were installed and operated by Soviet technicians and crews.Faced with a multitude of unpleasant alternatives ranging from inaction (i.e., capitulation) to an all-out nuclear war, the discussion in Washington soon narrowed to two possible courses of action:
● It was imperative for President Kennedy and his advisors to persuade or force the Soviets to remove the missiles, planes, and nuclear warheads.
1. Invade Cuba, destroy the missiles and bombers, kick out the Soviet advisors and technicians and military personnel, and, as a byproduct, restore democracy to Cuba.Kennedy settled on the latter approach, one which presented the Soviet Premier with a nightmare game of chicken — either order your vessels to turn tail and be humiliated or attempt to break the blockade and risk igniting a conflict more terrible than any that has ever been visited upon our species.
2. Impose a naval “quarantine” (a weasel-word for “blockade”) to halt further arms or support from reaching Castro.
You have an IQ in the 180sThen:
or you have a singing voice to rival Caruso or Kiri Te Kanawa
or you re a stunningly beautiful actress
or you’re devastatingly handsome actor
or you can run the 40-yard dash in 4.1 seconds
or you weigh 350 pounds and can bench press 225 pounds for 50 reps
or you can hit a split-finger fastball out of Yankee Stadium
or your daddy was a co-founder of Google
or your mommy’s maiden name was Kennedy
or you composed your first symphony when you were six years old
or your pre-school finger-paintings are hanging in the Louvre
Stop reading this post and don’t come backHowever:
● Pseudo-whores such as Madonna, Lady Gaga, and Miley Cyrus extracting millions of dollars from the tawdry pockets and purses of the unwashed mass of subteen idiots.
● Filthy rich wooden stick figures like Vin Diesel (née Mark Sinclair) and Whoopie Goldberg (née Caryn Elaine Johnson) wandering stiff and expressionless across television and motion picture screens despite neither one being able to act his or her way out of a sodden bag of Dunkin’ Donuts.
● Odious semi-literate dunces like Snoop Doggy Dogg (née Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr.,), LL Cool J (née James Todd Smith), and Jay Z (née Shawn Corey Carter) achieving god-like affluence and renown without even having to put in an honest day’s work as a pimp.
The American Spectator
by P. J.. O’Rourke
The Kennedys An American Drama by Peter Collier and David Horowitz is a wonderful hater-of-Kennedys guide, an assemblage of ugly facts and rude anecdotes about this large and dirty family. It is not, of course, a complete collection. Deforestation of North America would be needed to print a book that size. But it will suffice.
Here, for those who have forgotten or just love to hear it all again, is the fulsome scurvy truth: Old Joseph P. Kennedy was a liar and a greedy thief, an ignoramus, adulterer, vile anti-Semite, coward, and pompous ass. His wife Rose was a frigid martinet, unashamed to suckle at the teat of shabby lucre, awash in pietism and tar-tuffery, filled with the letter of Catholicism and empty of its spirit. They raised their nine whelps in an atmosphere of brutal pride and stupid competition. When the hapless Rosemary turned out to be retarded, they had her lobotomized and parked her with the nuns. The remaining eight turned out foolhardy, arrogant, unprincipled, and wholly lacking in sense of consequences. This last trait caused Joe Jr. and Kathleen to die in airplane crashes and allowed Jack to get his PT boat T-boned by a Japanese destroyer. (A tale of heroism was manufactured from that incident. The family wasn’t so lucky with Teddy’s Chappaquiddick skin-diving efforts three decades later.)
The Kennedys, however, continued to wax. Elections, intellectuals, and press adulation were purchased. One family member rose, briefly, to great political power and almost unlimited sexual excess. Some others nearly achieved the same results. Two were shot but under the most romantic circumstances and not, as might have been hoped, after due process of law. A third remains a fat dog in a Senate manger that’s overdue for mucking out. Thus the Kennedys excelled in every Irish vice and learned others strange to the sons of Erin such as simony and lust.
Then comes the morally satisfying third act when the last generation of Kennedys reaps the trust fund dividends of sin. They wallow in drugs and indolence, perform wild acts of self-destruction, and roll in social manure. At Studio 54, Xenon, and Danceteria, they fritter away the advantage and wealth gained by their loathsome ancestors. They overdose and get arrested — and, best of all, disappear from public eye. Just deserts! Just hors d’oeuvres! A just main course of crow!
What fun this book is, what a storehouse of chortles and gloatings. It satisfies the streak of mean self-righteousness in us all. But that is just the problem. After reading The Kennedys one feels a little guilty for wasting the time and even a bit embarrassed at watching such manful thwacks being given to this dead equine. Why bother? The Kennedy pitch-men have folded their tents. The bog-trotters’ circus has left town. Everywhere, except perhaps in benighted Massachusetts, the Kennedys are defeated and gone. What’s the point of hating them anymore? Well, there are several points, none of them ascertained by Collier and Horowitz.
The Kennedys were more than a rich, bad family that gained temporary political power. They were demagogues of oligarchy. Disguised as populists, they championed the definitely privileged and supposedly enlightened few. These few, when ensconced in the offices of government, would decide what was best for the many. The Kennedys saw political office as the source, rather than the result, of social order. They held government to be the fountainhead of privilege, responsibility, benefit, and constraint. They did not know and probably couldn’t understand the idea of a free people chartering a government for the sake of convenience and paved roads. It never occurred to a Kennedy that the proper role of federal administration might be to guard the coasts and deliver the mail. And only in the vaguest, election-fixing way did any Kennedy realize public officials serve at the people’s sufferance.
What’s worse, the Kennedys not only believed in the primacy of government but believed it to be good. With the exception of the disgusting Joe Sr., there was genuine idealism in the tribe. The rotting leftovers can still be whiffed in Teddy Kennedy’s speeches. There is something more horrible than hoodlums, churls, and vipers, and this is knaves with moral justification for their cause. The Kennedys thought the world would be a better place for having them run our half of it. And thus their every excess and corruption could be excused as contributing to a larger good.
Collier and Horowitz, former editors of Ramparts, are oblivious to this because they are social activists, proponents of vast and interfering authority. They think the Kennedys had a tragic flaw. With the usual leftist heavy breathing over money and power, Collier and Horowitz view the Kennedys as doomed figures who failed to accomplish noble objectives because of moral shortcomings. But the Kennedys didn’t have a tragic flaw. The Kennedys were themselves a tragic flaw of ours. And, in fact, they accomplished lots. They changed the nature of electioneering forever with thespian talents and piles of cash. They expanded executive power to do things like make war without congressional permission or even public knowledge. They helped bring on the age of truly elephantine government programs. And they nearly established America’s first hereditary political dynasty. To the extent the Kennedys succeeded they did so precisely because of their unscrupulousness, never in spite of it. By having us hate the sinners rather than the sins, Collier and Horowitz distract us from the proper vein of bile.
Collier and Horowitz also fail to explain how these sewer trout managed to swim upstream into our body politic. The authors, typical pundits, attribute the Kennedy rise to the family’s pet intellectuals. This is giving the American public too little credit. We may be dumb, but we’re not so dumb that we ever spent a minute listening to Theodore Sorensen. Neither were lickspittle journalists at fault (though not through lack of trying by the likes of Joe Alsop). We have no one to blame for the Kennedys but ourselves. We took the Kennedys to heart of our own accord. And it is my opinion that we did it, not because we respected them or thought what they proposed was good, but because they were pretty. We, the electorate, were smitten with this handsome, vivacious family.
We got a mad crush on the lot of them. They were so stylish, so charming, and
— at least in their public moments — so gracefully behaved. We wanted to hug their golden tossled heads to our dumpy breasts.
This may be the stupidest thing that has ever happened in a democracy. And certainly it shows an emptiness at the center of our lives. A desire to adore a head of state is a grim transgression against republicanism. It is worse than having a head of state who demands to be adored. It is worse even than forced adoration of the state itself. And this puts the Collier/Horowitz book in another light. It’s ourselves we should be flailing. Trust hubris to bring such trash as Kennedys to their knees. They are but few and a passing evil. We are another matter. There are 230 some million of us, and we’d better start talking sense to ourselves soon. The President of the United States. is our employee. The services he and his legislative cohorts contract for us are not gifts or benefices. We have to pay for every one of them, sometimes with our money, sometimes with our skins.
If we can remember this we’ll get a good, dull Cincinnatus like Eisenhower or Coolidge. Our governance will be managed with quiet and economy. We’ll have no need to go looking for Kennedys to love. And no need to boil over with hatred for them later.
● We have no one to blame for Obama but ourselves. We took Obama to heart of our own accord. And it is my opinion that we did it, not because we respected him or thought what he proposed was good, but because he was black.and
● Electing Obama may be the stupidest thing that has ever happened in a democracy. And certainly it shows an emptiness at the center of our lives. A desire to adore a head of state is a grim transgression against republicanism.and
● There are 300 some million of us, and we’d better start talking sense to ourselves soon. The President of the United States. is our employee. The services he and his legislative cohorts contract for us are not gifts or benefices. We have to pay for every one of them, sometimes with our money, sometimes with our skins.and
● If we can remember this we’ll get a good, dull Cincinnatus like Mitt Romney. Our governance will be managed with quiet and economy. We’ll have no need to go looking for Obamas to love. And no need to boil over with hatred for them later.So...what have we learned in the 53 years since John Kennedy was coronated?
Japanese researchers reveal
butterfly's secret to avoiding sex
Female knows how to avoid being harassed
Researchers in Japan have discovered the sex avoidance secret of a colorful female Japanese butterfly.
The female small copper butterfly only mates once in her life—and then shuts her wings “to avoid sexual harassment” and the persistent mating attempts of males who won’t take the hint.
In “Observations of the Small Copper Butterfly,” lead scientist Jun-Ya Ide showed that the female butterflies that have already mated close their wings when males of their own species fly by. By doing this, they hide their beautiful orange and black wing patterns and make themselves less recognizable to the males.
“Closing their wings makes them less visible, helping them avoid communication with their own species. We figured they were trying to avoid sexual harassment by males," Ide, an associate professor at Kurume Institute of Technology in Fukuoka, told Reuters.
The scientists describe their findings in the journal Ethology, the BBC reported
In a test, Ide and other researchers brought a model of a male small copper butterfly near a group of females to see their reactions. The researchers found that virgin females that had yet to mate kept their wings wide open, but those that had already mated quickly shut them.
Ide said this trick not only deters unwanted male suitors, but it also protects the delicate female butterflies from having to flee from an amorous male in hot pursuit.
"I concluded that, since females don't need more copulations, they close their wings to conceal themselves," Ide told the BBC.
On the other hand, virgin females that want to mate "keep their wings open to be conspicuous."
● Is the scorpion population gradually aging and becoming senile?Results are expected whenever grant money runs out...but don’t hold your breath.
● What effect does global warming have on the fecundity of female scorpions?
● Is gay marriage becoming pervasive throughout the scorpion community?
● Are their any male scorpions left?
They are the world’s last bastions in defense of the United States Customary Units Measuring System against the onslaught of the Franco-Bolshevik-Napoleonic-Mad Scientist Metric SystemSome might call America’s anti-Metric policy Quixotic, absurd, even ridiculous. They would, of course, be correct.
Our choice of measurement systems is not a byproduct of American Ignorance, but, rather, a shining example of American Exceptionalism.
“Do you, as a God-fearing Christian, believe that every American boy and girl should be forced to learn the alien, incomprehensible, socialist-inspired, satanic, genetically engineered Metric System of Measurement in place of our own time-honored and traditional American System of weights and measures based on the length of King George III’s toe?”Here are some responses:
Miniver Cheevy, Lay Abortionist, Peterborough: “Make peace, not war! Impeach Ted Cruz! Feed the starving children of Biafra! Tax the 1%! Stop the Republican War on Women! Outlaw wheat byproducts! Avoid high fructose corn syrup and caramelized cockroaches!”Norm Mack, Peterborough, email@example.com
Georgette Applebee, Idiot Savant, New Boston,: “There are 80 minims in a teaspoon, three teaspoons in a tablespoon, two tablespoons in a fluid ounce, four fluid ounces in a gill, two gills in a cup, two cups in a pint, two pints in a quart, four quarts in a gallon, 31½ gallons in a barrel, two barrels in a hogshead. And, oh yeah, uhhh, what year is it?”
Monsignor Bruce McMurphy, Pederast, Northern New Hampshire Correctional Facility, Berlin, NH: “Going metric will hopelessly confuse my databank of young choir boy measurements.”
Shoshona Wasserstein, Streetwalker, Manchester and elsewhere: “You lookin’ for a good time, honey?”
Aaron Hernandez, Athlete and Firearm Expert, Somewhere in Massachusetts: “I don’ pack no 9 millimeter crap in my sweats. It’s good ol’ American 45 caliber for me. Waddya think — my name am Plaxico Burress? Like, if y’wanna shut some fuckin’ squealer’s mouth, y’ hit ‘em with heat that’s got punch.”
J*hn Sm*th, Internet Predator, Fitzwilliam: “No way I’m gonna waste time tryin' to kobe a broad with 97-61-91 stats, 14 years old or not.”
Rev. Jesse Jackson, Race Hustler, Resident of here, there, elsewhere, and Chicago: “Them Metric Systems am a white cracker hymie plot by The Man to subjugate little African-American childs into igorance and slavery. We black parents am not gonna stan’ fo' it! Arie y’all wretches of the earths! Stan’ with yo’ Liberarian brethrens and sistrens!”
Mrs. Debbie Ballard, 53, of Langney, Eastbourne, who suffered a stroke, woke up in hospital speaking with a Welsh accent.The article went on to note that FAS was first identified during the Second World War when a Norwegian woman was hit by shrapnel during an air raid. She suffered brain damage and developed a strong German accent, which led to her being ostracised by her community in 1941.
“The doctor said I definitely have Foreign Accent Syndrome,” Mrs. Ballard sniffled, “and that sometimes it goes away, other times it doesn’t.
“It was devastating at first. I have to admit I had a cry. My husband said that he married me because I was a Londoner, and if he wanted to marry a Welsh girl he would go and live there.”
“I must admit “ Mrs. Ballard continued, “when I was talking I was looking in the mirror and talking to myself, I was trying to work it out and was getting a bit upset.
“It’s the strangest thing. I’ve never even been to Wales, or Scotland or Liverpool, yet people keep telling me that I sound just like them.”
Her husband Guy added, “Even though she doesn’t like the Welsh accent, it was quite surprising. But I still love her the way she is.”
Jackson: Pip pip, old chap, and all that sort of rot, would you be so kind as to inform me of the shedule and locale where I might catch an omnibus to South mother-fucking Bronx?”Perhaps Mack’s saddest and most disturbing case was that of Jennifer Carstairs and her identical twin brother Ralph Thursby.
Second Local Gentleman: You be talkin’ at me asshole?”
Jackson: Rather old boy. Aren’t you my mother-fucking old chum D'Brickashaw?”
Second Local Gentleman: I be’s Duwaine Muhammed muthuhfuckah. Who be’s you?”
Jackson: Surely, old bean, you recognize your mater’s mother-fucking cousin on your pater’s side.”
Second Local Gentleman: Who be’s that? You be dissin’ me man?”
Jackson: Not at all old bean. Just chatting up a mother-fucking brother from my mother fucking neighborhood. I say, mother fucker, do you jolly well plan to attend an evening do with your favorite whores and bitches?”
Second Local Gentleman: Why you be talkin’ that way muthuhfuckah? You lookin’ fo’ a smack upside th’ haid?“
Jackson: Well cheerio, old boy. Have to be saying toodleloo now. Must be off to accost some white ladies for a few guineas to purchase a bit of mother-fucking processed coca leaf.”
Ralph (speaking from his wheelchair): My name is Inigo Montoya. You keeled my father. Prepare to die.At this juncture Mack, sensing that the discussion had crossed that narrow line separating civilized dialogue from schizophrenia, stepped between the twins to prevent bloodshed.
Jennifer: Oy gevalt. What kind nebbish you are to make talk to that goy like that just because he have six finger?
Ralph (struggling to his feet): Joo speak at me, puta? A boy like dot, he keel joo brudder.
Jennifer (screechingly): Farhalten the kvetching! I’ll boil some kosher khazeray and blintz already. It couldn’t hurt.
Ralph (growling gutturally staggers toward Jennifer, hands poised to strangle):. “Caramba! Madre de Dios! I keel joo now also for sure, beech.”
“Ah so. Thank you so velly much, plitty nursee rady. Me velly happy gleet you. Confucius and Rittle Glasshopper fortune cookie say lound-eye who gaze at plitty young chickee soon hope to share dlinkee and Moo Goo Gai Pan and do hankee pankees in back seat of lickshaw.’”Norm Mack, Peterborough, firstname.lastname@example.org
● A bigot is not someone who says “blacks are better athletes than whites.”In other words, a bigot is someone who pre-judges an individual on the basis of ethnicity, sexuality, or race. What’s more, it’s every bit as bigoted to pre-judge someone as superior because of ethnicity, sexuality, or race as it is to pre-judge him as inferior because of ethnicity, sexuality, or race
A bigot is someone (like former New York Knickerbockers President of Basketball Operations Isiah Thomas) who hires black basketball players and gets rid of white basketball players on the a priori belief that all blacks are superior basketball players to all whites.
● A bigot is not someone who publishes research indicating that the average IQ of black Americans is lower than the average IQ of white Americans.
A bigot is someone who hires a white worker rather than a black worker on the a priori belief that all whites are smarter than all blacks.
● A bigot is not someone (like former Harvard President Lawrence Summers) who wonders whether the preponderance of males in science and engineering may be due to genetics rather than discrimination.
A bigot is someone who promotes a male scientist or engineer rather than a female scientist or engineer on the a priori belief that all males are superior scientists and engineers to all females.
Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, Bibi Netanyahu, Daniel Pipes, Alon Pinkas, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, William Kristol, Douglas Feith, David Wurmser, Yuval Steinitz, Sheldon Adelson, Eric Cantor.He manages to insert a reference or two to the despicable Saul Alinsky as well, though Saul, thank the Good Lord, bought the farm 30 years ago.
Neocon, War Party, AIPAC, Republican Jewish Coalition, Israel, Christians United for Israel, and Israeli lobby.
Under my authority as Commander-in-Chief, and with the full advisement and consentment of David Axelrod, Matt Damon, and Cher, I am drawing a red line in the snow stretching from Prince Edward Island on the western slope of the Mediterranean Ocean, northward through Casper, Red Deer, Black Fly, and parts of the nation of Europe, to Lake Vancouver on the southeast border of Taiwan.Norm Mack, Peterborough, email@example.com
Let me make myself perfectly clear: As your President, and with the full backing of the Democratic Caucus, the Black Caucus, and the Senator John McCain Caucus, I have issued the following demands to the aggressor nation of Canada:● The repeated, deliberate, and illegal intrusion into American airspace by Arctic gusts of wind, snow, and freezing rain from deep in the Canadian tundra that create winter havoc for millions of New Yorkers, North Dakotans, and Mexican immigrants must stop immediately.Let there be no mistake my friends and fellow countrymen. Although these demands are non-negotiable, I stand ready, in the interests of international diplomatic lip service, to negotiate with the Canadian buggers at any time.
● The ongoing, illegal attempts by Canadian fur trappers to introduce polar bears, Lynx, elephant seals, and genetically engineered moose into Vermont and New Hampshire ski resorts must be halted forthwith.
● The flood of illegal immigrants from impoverished regions of French-speaking Canada must be reversed. (The latest United States census shows that a breeding population of more than 11,764 Canadians named Pelletier has settled in northern regions of Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont where they live on food stamps, Medicaid, acupuncture, and pit bulls.)
Our repeated requests for Canada to round up and export these Pelletiers to France, have proven fruitless. To date, 23 of the 37 parties in France’s governing coalition have refused to accept the expatriates on grounds that their accents were so atrocious (“affreux et atroce”) that their presence in the mother country would irreparably debase the language.
● With Canada’s rapacious imperialist government, backed by its powerful military machine of hundreds of fully-horsed Royal Canadian Mounted Police, having achieved control of most of the hemisphere’s supply of fresh water, America, as well as our friends in Mexico, Guatemala, Patagonia, and Belize, find ourselves hostage to the running-dog, capitalist devils on our border.
To counter this threat, I am dispatching Vice President Biden to Saskatoon, Moose Jaw, and wherever else the Canadian government might be meeting to demand all north-flowing Canadian rivers be diverted to run southward into the state of Las Vegas
In furtherance of this newly reset policy initiative — and as soon as my teleprompter has been stowed away under my desk — I have ordered Secretary of State John Kerry to fly or otherwise travel to the Canadian capital of Ontario to present our unconditional demands in English, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Inuit, Mandarin, Pig Latin, and any other language in which he claims to be fluent, to the Canadian legislature, the Canadian Prime Minister, the Canadian President, and the Canadian King of England..
Should all non-negotiations fail, as I am confident they will, I have further authorized the Secretary of State to bring the entire Israeli-Arab conflict to the attention of the United Nations following which, if the United Nations fails to act as it is certain to not do and I am still in office, Secretary Kerry has been commanded to threaten an unbelievably tiny drone attack by several trained seals and an elite team of circus clowns on a bungalow not far from Toronto.
And let there be no mistake, these actions are being taken with full sanction and agreement by Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Paul Krugman, and the North American Man/Boy Love Association.
Even when it comes to something as basic, and apparently as simple and straightforward, as the question of who shut down the federal government, there are diametrically opposite answers, depending on whether you talk to Democrats or to Republicans.Norm Mack, Peterborough, firstname.lastname@example.org
There is really nothing complicated about the facts. The Republican-controlled House of Representatives voted all the money required to keep all government activities going — except for ObamaCare.
This is not a matter of opinion. You can check the Congressional Record.
As for the House of Representatives' right to grant or withhold money, that is not a matter of opinion either. You can check the Constitution of the United States. All spending bills must originate in the House of Representatives, which means that Congressmen there have a right to decide whether or not they want to spend money on a particular government activity.
Whether ObamaCare is good, bad or indifferent is a matter of opinion. But it is a matter of fact that members of the House of Representatives have a right to make spending decisions based on their opinion.
ObamaCare is indeed "the law of the land," as its supporters keep saying, and the Supreme Court has upheld its Constitutionality.
But the whole point of having a division of powers within the federal government is that each branch can decide independently what it wants to do or not do, regardless of what the other branches do, when exercising the powers specifically granted to that branch by the Constitution.
The hundreds of thousands of government workers who have been laid off are not idle because the House of Representatives did not vote enough money to pay their salaries or the other expenses of their agencies — unless they are in an agency that would administer ObamaCare.
Since we cannot read minds, we cannot say who — if anybody — "wants to shut down the government." But we do know who had the option to keep the government running and chose not to. The money voted by the House of Representatives covered everything that the government does, except for ObamaCare.
The Senate chose not to vote to authorize that money to be spent, because it did not include money for ObamaCare. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says that he wants a "clean" bill from the House of Representatives, and some in the media keep repeating the word "clean" like a mantra. But what is unclean about not giving Harry Reid everything he wants?
If Senator Reid and President Obama refuse to accept the money required to run the government, because it leaves out the money they want to run ObamaCare, that is their right. But that is also their responsibility.
You cannot blame other people for not giving you everything you want. And it is a fraud to blame them when you refuse to use the money they did vote, even when it is ample to pay for everything else in the government.
When Barack Obama keeps claiming that it is some new outrage for those who control the money to try to change government policy by granting or withholding money, that is simply a bald-faced lie. You can check the history of other examples of "legislation by appropriation" as it used to be called.
Whether legislation by appropriation is a good idea or a bad idea is a matter of opinion. But whether it is both legal and not unprecedented is a matter of fact.
Perhaps the biggest of the big lies is that the government will not be able to pay what it owes on the national debt, creating a danger of default. Tax money keeps coming into the Treasury during the shutdown, and it vastly exceeds the interest that has to be paid on the national debt.
Even if the debt ceiling is not lifted, that only means that government is not allowed to run up new debt. But that does not mean that it is unable to pay the interest on existing debt.
None of this is rocket science. But unless the Republicans get their side of the story out — and articulation has never been their strong suit — the lies will win. More important, the whole country will lose.
Grindcore — Random noise, distorted guitars, grating bass, growling, shrieking vocalsIf you’re curious or are boning up for an appearance on Jeopardy, you can access the remaining 216 sub-genres at Rock Genres.
Indietronica — A fusion of indie, electronica, rock, and pop music featuring keyboards, synthesizers, samplers, MIDI controllers, and drum machines
Grunge. — Heavily distorted electric guitars backing up growling vocals, apathetic lyrics, and OD’ing frontmen
Melodic Death Metal — Fast double-bass drum patterns, blast beats; harsh screaming, death growls
Rock Against Communism — Neo-Nazi, anti-Semitic, racist lyrics; not much else
Teutonic Thrash Metal — German-style Thrash Metal. What’s “Thrash Metal” you ask? What makes it German? Who the fuck cares? I don’t.
Astringent, Austere, Barnyard, Bright, Buttery, Cat Pee, Cheesy, Chewy, Cigar-box, Contrapunctual, Feminine, Flabby, Fleshy, Grassy, Green, Gutsy, Herbaceous, Inky, Jimmy, Lean, Leathery, Marsupial, Meaty, Nervy, Opulent, Peppery, Robitussiny, Schwaggy, Smoky, Soy Sauce, Stalky, Tight, Toasty, Truculent, Upfront, Vituperative, and Zippy.You may disagree, but my favorites in this group are “Vituperative” and “Truculent,” which bring back memories of a girl I used to go out with. (I eventually left her for an early vintage Napa Valley chick who was buttery and a bit chewy.)
Primary Sexual Characteristics. These include dick, balls and associated plumbing in males; pussy and associated plumbing in females, all of which fall under the umbrella terms "Gonads" and "Genitalia."
Male Peacock making a fool of himself by exhibiting
his secondary sexual characteristics to a group of high-
school-age chicks in a desperate attempt to get lucky
* * *
With both Primary and Secondary Sexual Characteristics having been pretty much researched to death, Dome of Glass applied for and was granted a Ford Foundation fellowship to investigate the relatively untouched (virgin) field of Tertiary Sexual Characteristics.
The foundation’s modest stipend, which barely covers Norm Mack’s liquor bill and property taxes, is supplemented by Federal moneys courtesy of Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (Dem., NH) who managed to insert a rider (Pork) into the last defense appropriations bill providing Mack with $12 million in unmarked treasury bills. (Thanks Jeannie. We loves Ya.)
Although most of Dome of Glass’s work is classified to prevent it from falling into the hands of Muslim extremists, the Chinese Mafia, or Bill Belichick, Mack has received clearance to publish some of the less sensitive, not to say irrelevant, gleanings from the amorphous mass of results that his team’s highly desultory research has yielded.
Dome of Glass Tertiary Sexual Characteristics Study
How the Sexes Differ
Toilet paper rolls
Women install rolls so that paper unrolls from the back. No one knows why
Men install rolls so that paper unrolls from the front. No one knows why
Male installed toilet paper left, female installed center, cat installed right
Cute and sexy on women especially when employed by slender young chicks
Makes men look like assholes. Well-known fashion accessory for Steven Seagal and overweight male motorcyclists with gray hair
Biker dude (left in case you were wondering) demonstrates proper ponytail
decor (ass-crack leathers not shown). Model exhibits female response
Shiny bald scalps
Prominent among black athletes and Bruce Willis who believe a gleaming, hairless dome indicates sexual prowess and virility
Women look cute and sexy in men’s old dress shirts, torn T-shirts, etc. particularly if nude beneath
The less said the better
If a woman finds the temperature uncomfortable (which women always do), she will turn the thermostat to maximum hot or maximum cold to warm or cool things faster
If a woman complains to a man that the room (or car) is too hot or too cold, the man will adjust the thermostat to the proper comfort setting then point out to the woman that the room (or car) will not heat or cool faster at extreme settings. The woman will then stop talking to the man
A woman will complain directly to the man, then to her mother, then to her children, then to her sister, then to other female relatives, then to her friends, then to the checkout girl in the supermarket, then to a homeless lady on a subway grating
A man will go to a bar, get drunk, and complain to the bartender who will pretend to sympathize with him before throwing him out.
When irked at a man, a woman will crack the man on the head with a cast-iron fry pan then call 911 to report abuse. The man will spend the night in jail
When infuriated by a woman, a man will threaten to throttle the woman who will then call 911 to report abuse. The man will spend the night in jail
Women pick lint and other debris from men’s suit jackets and force men to change clothes if the collar is frayed
Men fail to notice rips, tears, spaghetti-sauce stains, exposed underwear, mold, dead insects — in fact almost anything — on women’s clothing
A woman will jab a sleeping male in the ribs with her elbow at 2 a.m. and tell him to get his ass out of bed and fix a bottle for the baby
A man will encourage the woman to continue breast-feeding until the child is ready for college
Washing machine operation
Women sort out whites, reds, blues, greens, pinks, yellows, cottons, polyesters, silks, wool blends, etc., then wash each type separately. Water and electric bills skyrocket
Men fill the machine with two months worth of blue jeans, underwear, towels, socks, sneakers, sweatshirts, sweaters, turtle-necks, sheets, blankets, oily rags, and auto seat covers, tamp the mass down so the lid will close, and turn the machine on. They return two days later to find the laundry room flooded and the machine broken
Norm Mack, Peterborough, email@example.com
•Imagine an Al-Qaeda spokesman: “We will severely punish you American dogs with an unbelievably small attack on an upholstery shop in Jaffrey, New Hampshire.”To understand Obama’s selection of Kerry and other leading non-lights in his administration (see Eric Holder) look no further than the work of the late C. Northcote Parkinson.
•Or Nazi Germany broadcasting to England in 1940: “Surrender now or we will launch an unbelievably small air raid against several cows in Surrey.”
•Or General Sherman to General Lee: “Lay down your arms or I will order my army to set an unbelievably small fire in Scarlett O’Hara’s barn.”
● Vladimir Putin has been firmly established as arbiter, overseer, and linchpin of Middle East influence and policySo what’s next on the agenda for the Twin Terrors of Foggy Bottom?
● The Iran-Syria axis has been strengthened at the expense of what were once our allies
● John Kerry has established himself as a blathering, shape-shifting buffoon
● Barack Obama has demonstrated that he is weak, intemperate, and untrustworthy, a man without even the wherewithal to spin lies in his own favor
● A threatened pre-emptive strike against Iran which will then be aborted?I personally can’t wait for oil to hit a thousand bucks a barrel.
● A blockade of Israel to force a return to pre-1918 borders?
● Support for an Islamist uprising against Saudi Arabia?
● Humanitarian aid for the Somali pirates?
1. The electric cart you were tooling around with in Walmart collapsed and burned in the ladies’ lingerie departmentIf any of these signs ring a bell, you should immediately take steps to lose three or four hundred pounds.
2. You can’t see your knees when you’re sitting on the toilet
3. Your car pool mates strap you to the roof during your daily commute
4. Southwest Airlines charged you for three seats on your flight to Disney World
5. You were unaware your trousers were on fire until the flames reached your crotch
6. Your children gave you a Hammacher Schlemmer fork-lift at Christmas
7. A mugger’s fist disappeared after he punched you in the stomach
Each morn a thousand Roses brings, you say;This observation has nothing to do with today’s topic regardless of who Jamshyd and Kaikobád may be and why the word “Rose” is capitalized, but it fulfills our commitment to introduce every column with an annoying anecdote or quotation.
Yes, — but where leaves the Rose of yesterday? —
And this first Summer month that brings the Rose,
Shall take Jamshyd and Kaikobád away.”
● Are Crop Circles the Work of Aliens?
● Does Obesity Cause Spontaneous Combustion of Southern Housewives?
● Are the Nazca Lines Directions for UFO Landings?
● Are Vampires Superior to Werewolves?
● Anandi Mani, Associate Professor of Economics, University of Warwick, UKI don’t usually engage in ad hominem criticism of people I don’t like, but, hell, it’s about the only mode of argumentation that Liberals ever use, so I feel entitled to indulge myself once in a while. In this case, I can’t help wondering why Ms. Mani and Mr. Mullainathan don’t stick to their own backyard (India) if they want to investigate poverty. When it comes to wretched, soul-crushing, massive penury, surely India is a ripe field for study. Or do these leading scientific lights require constant infusions of Yankee dollars and UK pounds to maintain their record-breaking IQs at the level required for their non-ground-breaking research. (Mr. Mullainathan’s intellect for one has been boosted to super-genius status courtesy of a $500,000 gift from the MacArthur Foundation.)
● Sendhil Mullainathan, Professor of Economics, Harvard
● Eldar Shafir, Professor of Psychology and Public Affairs, Princeton
● Jiaying Zhao, Assistant professor in the Department of Psychology and Institute for Resources, Environment and Sustainability, University of British Columbia